I dreamed that...I was trying to leave the county fair with my ex-lover Mark. We had to get up on this extremly narrow strip of earth that was high above everything else to walk home. The only thing next to the strip of earth was a metal bar. These were so narrow; like, thinner than my foot; and VERY high off the ground. I was very scared, and Mark was just making it worse, getting in my way when he was trying to be helpful. But after a few steps I intuitively worked out a way to do it safely, and actually pleasurably. But then the clown showed up: the inanimate cartoon clown whose only funtion is to fuck up your life. Everyone at the fair dreaded him, and it was just my luck to get saddeled with him, and at just the worst time possible too. Every move I made he would mimic in some stupid clown wasy, like he was just trying to be funny and clown-like, but he was standing right in front of me, and really making it difficult to walk. What he was doing wasn't malicious in any way; he was just some stupid thing that I had to deal with. Eventually the only way I could continue safely was to get on my stomach and inch along. Awkward, but at least I wouldn't die
But then I noticed that there was a traintrack bridge right next to the earth strip. "I bet it would be a lot easier to just get on the traintracks" i thought, but I didn't do anything about it.

When i woke up the first thing I thought was "I should have just got on the train tracks".

And I'm going to too: if I approach my school work by using the methods that have already been laid down by the experts, time tested and approved, then I think I'll do a lot better and have a more enjoyable time. All this struggle on my own is...working, but not well.

Inadequate

Romaticizing your oppressors: I'm sick of the obsession that gay guys have with straight guys. It's bad enough that I have to compete with all the hyper perfect sexy guys, but I also have to compete with some unattainable fantasy ideal.

On a completely unrealated note, I got two papers back today: a B and a B+. I'm very disappointed. I must remember that I am going to school to learn, not to show off what I already know how to do.

Oh, I see how I can relate those two above statements: my feelings of inadequacy about my sexual attractiveness propounds my feeling of intellectual inadequacy, and vice versa. I feel quite in adequate.

Bah. I turned in a horrible paper for my Critical Writing class today. I'm sure that when I get it back there will be a big red 'F' on everypage, and little side comments like "horrible!", "what were you thinking??" and "You make me sick."

Actually, i'm sure I'll get at least a 'B'.

Wah! I love my teacher. I want him. Not as a lover though. I want him to be my dad. I wish that I had had a nice guy like him as my dad, instead of the fucked-up loser that I ended up with.

Ah, but if my teacher was my dad, i'd probably be really bourgeosie.

No I wouldn't...I'd probably be a really good person. He's a really good person, and not pretentious at all.

Sigh...can't change the past...

The Return of Dream Guy

I've been so angry lately, like every day.

I ran into dream guy again. We were in a public space. We have had some weird restroom experiences in the past, like sexual ones. After we talked, he went to the restroom. A minute later I followed him. I tried to get something started, but he acted like he had no idea what was going on.

HE'S the one that started this. I was trying to not do the whole restroom thing, and while he didn't force me into it, I did relapse on my sexual bottom lines for the chance to be with him. And now this? He acts like I'm all weird for trying to get something started. What does he expect? He totally led me on. Now I feel like a some kind of dumb-ass pervert. I hate him.

I don't even really like him as an individual. He's arrogant and materialistic. Why did I get so weird about him? It was less who he was and more what he symbolized to me: a man my own age who was still just starting out in life. I liked that idea. Yeah, I did want to do more than just have sex with him or be friends at one time; but that's all in the past. After a few conversations it was clear that that was just not going to work. But could I have sex with him at least once, please? He started this, and now he leaves me hanging, and somehow I end up feeling like the bad guy here. What a jerk.

Well, I understand that he's got some sexual issues himself. And like alot of people, but not like me, he can't have a conversation with someone and then have sex with them without feeling like it means something (and therefore cannot have sex with me if he doesn't want a relationship with me). And he's young, and young people are stupid. And I understand that what he wanted from probably changed the more he got to know me (which makes sense). And now that I'm looking back at our conversations in context, it does seem that he was trying to let me know that he didn't want sex from me, or at the very least not in this meaningless way (which at this point is the only kind of sex that I want from him).

Ah, but my addict doesn't listen. I want to write "I hate him" again, but in reality I don't: I just kind of dislike him, and in other ways I think he just fine. What I really hate is the situation.

That's it: no more sex in public restrooms, and no more sex with strangers. It just makes life too confusing. I need to keep my relations with people on a strictly friendly basis, and save sex for when I actually find someone that I like in that lover/boyfriend kind of way.

Moment

I've really been slipping on the whole sexual sobriety thing. I've lost the thread that connects me to the ideal of it. I'm living in the dreamworld, in which all pains are forgotten. I know that rememberance will come only when things get bad enough to wake me up.

I had a realization the other night: I do not have to wait for someone to love me to have love in my life; I simply have to start loving.

p.s. Blue Oyster Cult's "Hot Rails to Hell" has the best guitar solo EVER.

[I am SO FUCKING PISSED OFF right now]

I am SO FUCKING PISSED OFF right now. That felt good. I want my mind to clear up. I don't have enough chemical Z in my system to keep the connections in my brain flowing. Not enough sleep. Too much work. I HATE WORK. All it does is distract me from my REAL goals. I wish I were rich, and could devote my life entirely to abstrat learning.

That fucking job. I'm gonna quit. I swear. I really hate it.

i feel rather emotional today. I like it. It is a clear and understandable experience, not chaotic.

I realize that there is alot of pain within me. I believe that I will better served by learning about it than by covering up.

Also, there is a great deal of pleasure to be found in a gentle sadness.

Games With Dream Guy

I had another dream about...that guy that I had a dream about before, the intense sex dream. In this one we were simply making out...like, alot. Maybe a little over-the-clothes action. He was playing video games, and there was some sort of sports event going on. It wasn't as nice as the sex dream was, but it was pretty good. He was working somewhere, or maybe volunteering somewhere. I guess we were some kind of tentative couple, 'cause there was some sense of obligation for him to come back to me, and I was also dealing with feeling like it was difficult for me to not try to dominate his time.

I actually saw him, in reality that is. I saw him at the local coffee shop, and we studied for a short while (well, I didn't so much study as obsess over Dream Guy. But I tried!). Then we talked a little bit. I guess I like him. It seems strange how much I want him. When I leave him I feel really torn up inside, or really emotionally chaotic. I don't feel good enough for him; I'm not social, I'm not friendly; I have no status, nor any expertise. I doubt if we share any interests, aside from advertising, and even with that there is a disconnection; he's pro advertising, i'm con.

Life is difficult. However, I think that my dream offered an interesting clue. All the games going on seems to say that taking it less seriously, and more just for pleasure or interest, would be the ideal way to do it.

East Asian Culture; McDonald's Culture

I had a strange feeling this morning. When I was waiting for my East Asian History class to start, I listened to one of my favorite bands, a Japanese rock band called "The Pillows, while eating some Chinese canned porridge. I didn't surround myself with East Asian things on purpose, it just sort of happened. For a second I felt annoyed at myself for doing it; i figured I was some sort of Asian wanna-be or something. I soon dismissed it though; I really don't care about culture, and anything that sticks to me does so strictly because I like it for it's essence, not it's status.

I had a similar experience a few months ago which I reacted to much more strongly. I was wearing these bright yellow pants, a red t-shirt, and a yellow coat. I went into McDonalds, and bought myself one of those little cheeseburgers, with the red and yellow wrappers. When I stepped outside the restaurant, there were all these black kids, hanging out and trying to look cool, while playing their hip-hop music. I looked around, I looked at myself, and I freaked out; it was like my life had become a McDonalds commercial. It made me very insecure.

New Quarter, New Job, Same Old Me.

I'm writing this on one of those keyboards that are specially designed to prevent carpel tunnel syndrome. It actually does feel easier on the hands, but the weird postioning makes it so that I'm constantly making mistakes. My intuitions are failing me in this new situation.

School has started again, which makes me very happy. It's very easy to forget how miserable I am when I don't have a single moment to rest; I don't have time to be miserable, I have work to do. It feels good. Maybe I'm something of a mild workaholic.

Also, I've started a new job. I have a feeling that my boss is easily impressed by someone who pays close attention to his needs, and strokes his ego. He's black, so I think he is used to people doubting his abilitys, and having to prove himself. He doesn't seem used to someone else (especially a white person) trying to prove themself to him. This should work out fine, because my main goal at a job is always to win the approval of the people that have power over me; yes, I am, unapolagetically, a boot-licker.

I'm trying again to make the effort to stop my compulsive sexual behavior. I have decided that I will not fantasize while masturbating. It only serves to seperate myself from reality even more. I need to experience sex as a real thing that i'm actually doing, not just a distant dream, happening only in my head.

I must eat now.