I haven't made an entry in a long time. I was thinking of just quitting the blog totally, but I think I need it. I need to write about the things I'm going through, so I can see myself in perspective. I think the problem is that I'm becoming too aware that other people are reading this, and I'm no longer writing about the things that matter to me.

I have been acting out with other people lately. I'm not happy about that. Mostly I've only been doing things that are actually safe, but today I did something that was potentially unsafe, and could give me a disease, i.e. I swallowed someone else's cum. I hadn't done that in a long time, and was very proud of myself. The thing that was making it alot easier to not have sex with guys was my relationship with The Social Worker, and the agreement I made with him that we were to be exclusive with each other. Now that that's over, and we're no longer together, there doesn't seem to be much stopping me from having sex with whoever I can. It's frustrating, because I'm never going to be in a healthy relationship until I get sober, but I don't know what motivation I have to stay sober unless I'm committed to someone else.

I knew this would happen. I think one of the reasons I stayed with The Social Worker as long as I did, despite the fact that there were some problems between us, was that I knew he was the only thing keeping me from sleeping around. And I liked that. I liked feeling like there was an important reason for me to stay sober, not just for myself. I feel better about myself and about life when I'm sober, but for some reason "feeling better" just doesn't have the same impact, doesn't hold as much weight when I'm making my sexual decisions.

I'm going to go to a meeting tonight, something I haven't done for over a month. The meetings have never really seemed to help me that much in the past, but at least it's a step in the right direction. It's a topic meeting tonight, meaning that at the beginning of the meeting we can offer a topic for others to comment upon. Perhaps I'll offer up "reasons to stay sober" as a topic, and see if I can't get some inspiration.