I worked 10 hours at the lab yesterday. Today I'm planning on doing a similar thing. I'm thinking that If I do that every weekend, then I'll be able to focus all my energy during the week on my school studies, only working an hour or two each day.

I went and saw the midnight movie at the Drexel Gateway theater last night. The reason I mention it by name, is that, in my mind, it's place is fraught with controversy. The place where the Gateway shopping center now sits used to be occupied by all these old, slightly run down brick buildings that housed hippie-type stores and cheap, ethnic eateries. I didn't realize that I liked them so much on my pre-move visits to Columbus, but when I arrived here and saw they were all boarded up I was disappointed. When I heard they were bulldozing them all down to build a shopping center and apartments I rolled my eyes, shook my head, and gave up a little bit on Columbus. Columbus has a bad habit of building shopping centers that people don't need or want, that are difficult to get businesses to enter, and even more difficult to get them to stay in. It seemed so obvious to fail, that I lost a lot of respect for Columbusites when I found out. I feel the same way about our U.S. govenment. Why are we in Iraq? Didn't we learn our lesson in Vietnam? Are we really just that stubborn, to spend huge amounts of money on something that we tried before and failed miserably at?

And the Gateway shopping center sucks. They stuck a Barnes and Noble within very short distance of three other bookstores. They tore down all the college bars with long histories and traditions to build really ugly "modern" bars with no heart and soul. There's no where to sit down and relax in the whole place. It looks like an airport, really. Airports are fun when you're in them, because of the novelty and the expectation of going to new places, but I don't want to go to one just for the ambiance. I like that there's a movie theater there, but even that is pointless, because there's another theater within walking distance of my house, that plays much the same movies, and more.

I don't understand Columbusites. They want to escape their "cow-town" reputation, to become more like a real city. They want real culture and history, an actually identity. But when real culture starts to build itself up, they tear it down to put up cheap, souless buildings, which are essentially churches to the cult of the corporation. Columbusites fight as hard as they can to keep their town as Suburban and hygenic as possible, and then wonder why their dumb city is so boring.

Anway, the midnight movie was David Lynch's "Blue Velvet", which is fitting, because of Mr. Lynch's hatred of the poor and absolute worship of the Middle Class. Seriously, if I see one more blond, pink sweater wearing girl living in a big, white, suburban house who symbolizes all that is pure and good in the world I'm going to...well...I don't know what I'm going to do. But it won't be pretty.

I don't feel comfortable worshiping ideas. The vast, vast majority of religions are based on this (the idea of someone who lived a long time ago, the idea of some being living up in the sky, the idea of nothingness, the idea of sprites and fairies living secretly amoung us, etc, etc, etc), and I don't like it. It feels willfully delusional to me. I've spent a lot of time and effort getting away from harmful delusions, so to me it just seems ridiculous and fool-hardy to go and foster delusions on purpose.

But I did feel as though I had a genuine and healthy spiritual experience today. I had a long, very active day yesterday, and didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night, so today I feel really run down, almost to the point where I suspect I'm getting a cold. By the time my last class came around, all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Unfortunately, I had another appointment on campus right after class, so I opted for sleeping on a park bench instead. I couldn't sleep on the bench, because it turns out there were termites living in it, slowly wittling it away, and chewing exceptionally loudly, so I laid down on the ground instead.

I don't know where the idea came from, but right when I laid down I decided that I should do some simple yoga postures instead. So I did so. There on the earth, I stretched my body, breathing deeply and regularly, paying close attention to the internal feeling of my muscles, organs, bones, and skin. I became very aware of the ground beneath me, the cool air that I was breathing, the glowing blue sky above me, and the trees all around me. I felt very connected to all of it, very safe, and a part of something much larger than myself, whose complexity, beauty, and basic existance were ultimately beyond my full understanding. It was, as far as I was concerned, a spiritual experience. And it was real. All the objects were right in front of me, all around me. I could see them and feel them. It was not delusional.

And I don't believe that I was imposing some sort of false meaning onto the objects around me either. I am, and we all are, intimately connected to nature, because we are nature, at least on the level of the body and the parts of our awareness that are governed by the brain. Whether or not there is more to who we are than the physical is not a question I am focusing on right now. Regardless of what the answer to that question might be, we are all still profoundly and intimately connected to the physical world, whether or not we recognize it at any given moment.

And my wonder is less based on my understanding of what the nature of nature is, and more based on what I don't know. My own understanding of science, and the vast amounts of knowledge that the science community in general has amassed, still comes far, far short of any true understanding of the world around us. Our five senses and of the capacity of our minds, no matter how keen and active, are still so limited in what they can understand. The world is basically beyond us (and no, I don't take this as a reason to quit trying to understand; if anything, it makes me want to learn even more).

So...maybe what I'm writing here is missing something, but the experience I had today felt like the most positive, healthy spiritual experience I've ever had. I'm thinking that I'll probably try to incorporate a little bit of outdoor yoga into my daily schedule more often now, hopefully two or three times a week.

When I was at the store this morning, buying a cool, carbonated, caffeinated beverge (alliteration unintentional), I flipped through one of those silly little books of quotes or milquetoast advice that they often keep at the counter. This one was about carreer advice, and the page I flipped through seemed appropriate: "The only thing you can control in your business is how hard you try. Everything is out of your control, except how much heart you put into what you do." This isn't entirely accurate, I think, but it is good advice. I just took a test yesterday in my chem class, and I know for a fact that I did worse on it than I had ever did on a test before in my whole life, and the reason for this is because I didn't work hard enough or put my whole self into the studying process: I cut corners, I satisfied myself with half-assed understanding of the material, and I made foolish assumptions, all because I didn't care enough about what I was doing, and I didn't put the time and energy I needed to into what I was doing.

The book's other advice was to "get some coffee, and revel in the insania." What, you ask, is insania? Well, other than being some band from Stockholm, the book defined it as the "manic, jittery high you get from drinking too much caffiene." This seemed appropriate, because I was buying a caffienated beverage. I'm ultra-sensitive to caffiene's effects, going straight to insania after a very small amount. Actually, knowing my friends, I'm surprised that I haven't heard this word before, on daily, or even hourly basis.

I'm going to hang out with The Bartender again tonight. I had been avoiding calling him, because I realized that I couldn't have sex with him right now, because of all the sex addict stuff, and that I needed to tell him that before we hung out again. I thought it would be easy, but I was still avoiding calling him. When I finally did call him, I decided that maybe I wouldn't tell him, or that I would wait 'till later. But I couldn't focus, I was too worried, too emotional. Everything he said to me was just in one ear and out the other. I realized that I couldn't go on until I told him, so I screwed up my courage, and, in one breathless and desperate plunge, I told him my story; that I was a sex addict, and that I couldn't sleep with him anymore, because I needed to work on my sobriety first. What he said really surprised me. He was just like "I understand what you're saying, and totally respect that. I would still like to spend time with you. From the few conversations we had I find you smart, interesting, very cute, and would like to get to know you better."

I just melted then. All the tension that I didn't know I had lifted away. I swear my shoulders lowered a full six inches, and I actually cried a little bit, though only for a few seconds. I didn't realize that this was bothering me so much. I was so grateful to him for understanding, and for still wanting to see me. It wasn't conscious, but what I assumed would happen is that he would make some excuse to no longer see me, that without sex there was no reason for him to want to hang out with me. And that was stressing me out. When I found out that he still liked me, it was like a whole new world of possibilities and freedoms opened up to me, and I could happily face the future (can you say "relationship addict" or "codependant"? I mean, it's nice that he still likes me, but is it really healthy to be that strongly affected by it, to be that grateful?).

So we'll be hanging out tonight. I'm really looking forward to it.


Two midterms I took this week. 'A' on the biology, and I haven't gotten the molecular genetics back yet, though I can tell from the answer key they posted online that I didn't do very well at all. Things are going well though: in chemistry and biology I've gotten more than 90% of the points that are possible to get so far. Molecular genetics....not so well, but there's still plenty of time to catch up.

Last night I dreamed that I stole someone's bicycle. It was one of those little hipster bikes you see young ruffians riding around on. I don't know what you call them, and I can't find a picture, but basically they look like bikes for little kids, but full grown men are riding them.

So I stole one, and rode it around for awhile. I was amazed at how easily it handled. I could go up and down steps with no problem. I was like a wheeled extension of my feet. Actually, in waking reality a couple of days ago I saw someone riding one, and he just jumped over a large puddle, just like he was stepping over it. I was impressed, and envious.

But I felt guilty about the bike I stole in the dream, so I put it back, only not in the same place, because I didn't want anyone to see me.

I still believe that I will see my bike somewhere. I check out every bike that rides by, hoping that it will be mine. But what would I do if it were? Would I chase the person? Would I yell and scream? How likely would it be that I would actually catch up with him? And what if I did catch him? What would I do then?

There are a great many thoughts running around my head today, mostly of an inspiring and nostalgic nature. Unfortunately, the strongest impression within me right now is neither: it's simply angry and hurt.

The reason I'm angry is because I have to be lab partners with a girl who uses the word "gay" as an insult, usually in connection with quizes and homework. Everytime I see her, I can't think straight, my whole body tenses up, and all I can think of is how much I hate her. The first time she said it--"That quiz was so GAY,"--I was so shocked that I had to psychologically absent myself from the situation for several minutes. But I got over it. I started to think that maybe it wasn't all that bad, that she was a good person, but just kind of confused. Maybe I actually kind of liked her. But then she said it again: "I hate our teacher. He's so GAY," and I wanted to murder her. I wanted to hurt her, physically. I've gotten over that though. Now I just want to hurt her pscyhologically. And I am doing so, albeit unconsciously. It seems that everything I say to her has a subtle insult behind it, or a tone of disgust, or extreme contempt. I'm not doing this on purpose. I would actually like to make peace with her, so that I don't have to feel so screwed-up inside when I'm around her. But she truly does disgust me, I really do hate her, and it comes across when I talk to her.

She's getting the hint. She talks to me less and less. I really, really hate her. I want her to go away. I want her to suffer in some way. What's a durogatory word for asians? She's asian, and I know it would offend her if I said something was asian-like because it was bad. I imagine myself just casually throwing it out one day--"This lab is so fucking ASIAN." She would of course get angry and confrontational, or feel like she had to say something, at which point I would say "So it's okay for you to insult all gay people whenever you like, but it's totally off-limits for people to insult you?" At which point she would look angry, offended, confused, or scared. Hopefully she would feel scared, because that's how I feel, knowing that it's totally socially acceptable for people to hate gay folk, to insult them casually, like it's nothing. I feel scared knowing that telling the truth about myself could lead to serious social or career consequences, or could lead to me getting harrassed, or beat up. And I hate how she's totally implicit in the situation, driving it on, carelessly, ignorantly. I want her, and everyone like her, to die, because they are a very real threat to me and my people. And I don't think talking helps. In the above scernario, what would the real outcome be? Would it be her seeing my point, and thinking about the word gay in a new way? No. It would be her hating gay people even more, because one of them criticized her, pointed out that she was doing something wrong, and made her feel insecure. The semi-conscious homophobia inside of her would find direction and focus, and would emerge to the light of day, ready to be consciously re-enforced.

I don't know. I know that this isn't quite right, what I'm saying, that I'm obviously missing something. But although this rant is very one-sided, and fueled by raw emotion, I also think I'm saying something true and important. Homophobia is everywhere, implicit in so many things. It's just understood, without questioning, that it's okay to hate gay people. It's normal. And for me, that means normal, everyday things combine to create an extremely hostile environment. Is it any wonder that I'm so fucking untrusting, defensive, hostile, and scared? Does it come as any surprise that I'm so very fucking angry?

I guess I've been having some kind of a good day today, or something. I woke up in a timely manner, made it to my morning class, biology 114. Was pretty alert during the class, more or less understanding everything. Then my Chem 122 lab went extremely well. I knew what I had to do, and I did it quickly and efficiently, and I hope fairly accurately. Then I went to work, where I got to play with plants, but only had to stay there for an hour. My boss, who had been gone for the past month, collectly grass samples in California, finnally came back today, and so some of the things that I was taking care of in her absence are off my shoulders now. And even though I took a nap after work, and ended up going to my Bio lab a half an hour late, I still got out of there pretty quickly. The TA even let me take the quiz that I missed by being late. So all in all I've been feeling good today. I've been sober since tuesday, and I have a date tonight, with a guy who likes wine, and works as a bartender. I haven't thought of any cute nickname for him yet, but maybe our romance will be so short-lived that I won't have to. Actually, I feel rather affectionately towards this guy, because I was the first guy that he ever let fuck him (isn't there a more romantic way of putting that? "anal sex" sounds so blunt, and "making love" is too ambiguous). I'm looking forward to more of the same tonight.

But I have a quiz tomorrow morning that I'm not prepared for, and midterms on monday and tuesday of next week! I feel like my stress level is just slightly too high, now that I'm working almost full time and going to school full-time too. I feel like my stress level is at the level it usually is at during finals week, except I'm feeling it all the time. I do think that I'm adapting quite well to that. I have to be sure to excercise regularly, and pay attention to do the things I need to do to progress on my path to sobriety. These two things seem to be very important.

I came downstairs this morning to find that my bike was gone. At first I didn't accept that it was stolen: I figured that the maintenance guy had moved it because it was blocking a door or something. I looked all over the house, and all over the yard, then I went to the manager's office to see if she knew anything. She said that they would have tried to find out whose it was before moving it, that that was their policy.

As I walk around campus today, I'm looking at all the bike racks, to see if maybe I had locked it up somewhere then forgot. I haven't seen it yet. Nor do I really expect to, I guess, though I would like to. I would like to see it so badly. Upon seeing it, I would feel a great upsurge of pleasure and happiness inside of me, then I would unlock it, hop on it, and blow off work the rest of the day to go biking. I miss it so much already.