There are a great many thoughts running around my head today, mostly of an inspiring and nostalgic nature. Unfortunately, the strongest impression within me right now is neither: it's simply angry and hurt.

The reason I'm angry is because I have to be lab partners with a girl who uses the word "gay" as an insult, usually in connection with quizes and homework. Everytime I see her, I can't think straight, my whole body tenses up, and all I can think of is how much I hate her. The first time she said it--"That quiz was so GAY,"--I was so shocked that I had to psychologically absent myself from the situation for several minutes. But I got over it. I started to think that maybe it wasn't all that bad, that she was a good person, but just kind of confused. Maybe I actually kind of liked her. But then she said it again: "I hate our teacher. He's so GAY," and I wanted to murder her. I wanted to hurt her, physically. I've gotten over that though. Now I just want to hurt her pscyhologically. And I am doing so, albeit unconsciously. It seems that everything I say to her has a subtle insult behind it, or a tone of disgust, or extreme contempt. I'm not doing this on purpose. I would actually like to make peace with her, so that I don't have to feel so screwed-up inside when I'm around her. But she truly does disgust me, I really do hate her, and it comes across when I talk to her.

She's getting the hint. She talks to me less and less. I really, really hate her. I want her to go away. I want her to suffer in some way. What's a durogatory word for asians? She's asian, and I know it would offend her if I said something was asian-like because it was bad. I imagine myself just casually throwing it out one day--"This lab is so fucking ASIAN." She would of course get angry and confrontational, or feel like she had to say something, at which point I would say "So it's okay for you to insult all gay people whenever you like, but it's totally off-limits for people to insult you?" At which point she would look angry, offended, confused, or scared. Hopefully she would feel scared, because that's how I feel, knowing that it's totally socially acceptable for people to hate gay folk, to insult them casually, like it's nothing. I feel scared knowing that telling the truth about myself could lead to serious social or career consequences, or could lead to me getting harrassed, or beat up. And I hate how she's totally implicit in the situation, driving it on, carelessly, ignorantly. I want her, and everyone like her, to die, because they are a very real threat to me and my people. And I don't think talking helps. In the above scernario, what would the real outcome be? Would it be her seeing my point, and thinking about the word gay in a new way? No. It would be her hating gay people even more, because one of them criticized her, pointed out that she was doing something wrong, and made her feel insecure. The semi-conscious homophobia inside of her would find direction and focus, and would emerge to the light of day, ready to be consciously re-enforced.

I don't know. I know that this isn't quite right, what I'm saying, that I'm obviously missing something. But although this rant is very one-sided, and fueled by raw emotion, I also think I'm saying something true and important. Homophobia is everywhere, implicit in so many things. It's just understood, without questioning, that it's okay to hate gay people. It's normal. And for me, that means normal, everyday things combine to create an extremely hostile environment. Is it any wonder that I'm so fucking untrusting, defensive, hostile, and scared? Does it come as any surprise that I'm so very fucking angry?