Sigh...another really long blog here. I'm pretty much just rambling in this one, with little to no rhyme or reason, so unless you're completley bored I would say to just skip it.

I just spent two hours doing pretty much nothing on this computer here, in this computer lab. Every few mintues I remember that I'm supposed to be studying, and I say I'll get right on it "after I watch this little video" (no, no porn...I am in a public place after all) or "right after I finish this article." Then I finish, and I forget that I was supposed to be studying, so I go right on to the next thing.

I think that part of the problem is that I feel too content right now. I spent the day with The Social Worker, who I'm dating (why do I feel so stupid writing that? It's not like there's anything bad about it. If anything I should feel...proud?), and now I feel too good to get myself to do anything but whatever's right in front of me. I need some sort of catalyst to start me into studying mode. Usually that catalyst comes in the form of fear: I'm afraid that I'll fail my class, which will make it harder to have a good academic record, which could make it more difficult for me to make money later on, so I'll be poor, no man will want me, and I'll end up with some alcoholic, abusive boyfriend who I'll be miserable with. But right now I'm dating someone really nice, who doesn't seem especially concerned about my money making abilities. All my fear of academic failure is hinged on whether or not I'll ever find love, but I've already potentially found that, so what am I so worried about?

Okay...I have to find a new reason to be afraid of being poor. Let's see.... If I don't make enough money early in my life, I'll have to be working full time untill the day I die, which will really suck. I won't be able to travel anywhere interesting. I won't be able to get an interesting carreer. When my body starts to fall apart (starts? I mean, when the falling apart process becomes serious) I won't be able to afford medical care.

All of this is ridiculous, though, because making money and doing interesting things in one's life really doesn't depend on going to school. Going to school does help, however. What I really need to remember is why I started going to school in the first place: I was really, really bored. I was living on the streets of Durango, Colorado, and I was so fucking bored that I actually started praying to god to give me something more meaningful to do (I was absurdly religious at the time). I said to God "God, the next person you send to talk to me, I'll ask them what to do, and you can speak to me through them." Well, a couple days went by where I literally talked to no one. One day I was sitting in this cafe, way in the back where they wouldn't notice I wasn't buying anything, and this woman walked in to hang up a flier. She noticed me staring at her (if I'm good at anything, it's staring blankly at strangers), and she struck up a conversation with me. She told me about how she used to be homeless, and how eventually she got off the streets and started to go to the local school around there, and how her life just became much more meaningful after that. I was like "I wonder what I should do, then?" and she was like "Go home and go to school," real dead-pan and straight-forward-like. Not like she was offering up a suggestion, and not like she was trying to convince me, but just like she already knew, and was simply informing me, just like you'd tell someone the time, or what your name is. Well, I thought about that for awhile, while bouncing around from city to city, and eventually I thought "why not? The most I could do is fail, which would at least be more interesting than what I'm doing now. I should just go back home, ask around at the local schools, and see what they say." So I got back to Minneapolis, got my GED, and three weeks later I was enrolled in my first class, "The History of American Radicalism" where we studied left wing groups like the labor movement and ACT-UP, and right wing groups like the American Nazis and The Posse Comitatus (please don't ask me about any of those groups. I got an A in the class, but I don't remember jack-shit about anything).

Ok. So learning is fun. It makes my life more meaningful. When my life seems pointless I go and study. So maybe that's the problem right now: my relationship with The Social Worker is meaningful enough right now. I feel practically full to the brim with meaningfulness, and I'm not searching for anything to fill my existential void. But I can't depend on just one person to fill the horrible hole of pointlessness that rests inside of me at all times. That's not very well-rounded. It just leads to co-dependancy and eventual alienation, both from the person in question and from my own self. So I need to get off my ass, get to the library, and have some meaningful fun with studying.

I do feel really good right now, though. All bright white, warm, soft, and comfy.