good day today. I wrote for a long time, a fictional story. I'm really excited about it. I'm sure I'll finish this one, and in not too long a time too.

Also, I bought a new CD: Belle and Sebastian The Boy With the Arab Strap. I love that album. "I know the truth awaits me, but still I hesitate because of fear..."

Tortoise and Tchaikovsky

Bah. No way out. I'm trapped in my own dream-world.

I can't listen to that Kate Bush album I got a couple of days ago anymore; at least not for a week or two. Its making me too hyper. I put it on, and all of a sudden I can't sit still, I'm pacing around my small rented room, my thoughts going in a hundred different directions, none of which are going towards the reality around me in anyway. For an hour or two afterwards I can't read anything. On the plus side though, I have started working again on an old fictional story that I started about a year ago. I was very inspired for a couple of days, but then I realized that I had no idea what I was writing about, and therefore had no idea where the story should go. Now I have a clearer idea (not clear mind you, just clearer) of what I'm doing with it. Something to do with the cult of masculinity, and the pain and control that is necessary for it to exist.

I'm listening to Tchaikovsky and Tortoise now. They are both very calm, and though I wouldn't call them cold, I wouldn't say they are hot, or even very warm, like Kate Bush is. They inspire me, but not to the point of distraction, and so they are safe for me to listen to in my....how shall I say....delicate condition.

As far as Dolphin goes, there is no romantic future. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me, or maybe more like... my glasses were dirty, and now they are clean, and It's much easier to figure out what's going on around me. He is a very interesting guy though, that I feel very warmly towards him. I hope that he will become my friend. Also, I hope I will get to mess around with him once or twice more.

betrayal, Kate Bush, Dolphin.

very emotional today. Long story...i'll just say that I managed to get stood up by two different men today, an old lover and an ex-boyfriend. I don't know that It was actually going to be so much fun to see them (seperately), but I was still really hurt, especially seeing as in both cases it wasn't even me who initiated the plans...like, they asked me to hang out, and then both of them ditched out on me. What the fuck? I was depressed, so to cheer myself up and get me out of the house I went out to buy a new CD (The Dreaming by Kate Bush.....super excellent!). After that, I went to the local coffee shop to drown my sorrows in a warm beverage. I was expecting to sit quietly and unobtrusively in the corner and listen to my new CD, but when I got there I saw that there was this guy there....this one guy....a guy that I know. Me had him....we had a mild flirtation awhile back that led nowhere. Hmmm....we hung out for awhile, read quietly together while drinking our drinks. It was nice. He's a nice guy. Afterwards, me and him, (lets call him Dolphin) went back to my apartment. I expected somehow that we would have sex, but that didn't happen. Instead we talked. I have a stuffed animal, a dolphin, big enough to use as a pillow. He saw this, and got a little exicted, telling me how when people ask him "what kind of animal would you want to be?" he allways says "a dolphin". Then he told me a story about some people who were caught in shark-infested waters. A group of dolphins came round and swam in a circle to protect them untill the sharks went away. Sharks and dolphins have an adversarial relationship, with dolphins actually posing a threat to the sharks. After that I tried to get it on with him, but he left rather quickly. I'm not sure what to think of it. He invited me to hang out with him on thanksgiving, to go with him to some restaurant in the evening. All we did when he left was hug. I've actually had sex with him a few times before, but that was before we knew each other. Like, it was anonymous sex. Now that we are...close acquaintances, it seems like sex is not on the agenda. We flirt a little bit still, but....I like him, and tonight I wanted to have sex with him, but somehow that didn't happen.

I'm just not sure whats going on here. Does he like me or not? Of course he does. Actually, I must say that he's the only person I've met in awhile that I would actually want to have a close relationship with. Well, one other guy too, but he's already in a longterm thing with someone else. But...Dolphin is very clean, and very middle class....and I'm a poor, uncultured slob, who's quite happy being that way. Wah!! Eternal damnation!! In my head though, we're living together to a ripe old age, reconciling all our differences, and being quite happy.

Whenever someone likes me, I allways assume that they don't really like me, they just like their idea of me; or they like the idea of having somebody, and that i'd be good enough for that. I often feel as though other people are trying to make me into their image of what they want me to be. That is very stressfull for me, because even though I have a strong desire to please people and conform to their wishes (and please don't tell me that's bad, because I've thought it through and have decided that that's just fine), I am also by nature independant, self-protective, and individualistic to an unusually extreme level. I constantly worry about people taking advantage of me, and have very few close ties with other people. Sigh....as much as I would like to be the man that Dolphin wants me to be, I don't think I can do it. He will have to accept me for who I am. However, I kinda doubt that he will be able to accept me for who I am. I would like to enter into a deeper relationship with him, but I know already it's doomed to fail, so I'm scared and resistant. Is it worth all the pain, just for a few moments of pleasure?

[This morning, just after I got to work,]

This morning, just after I got to work, my boss, an older lady with big energetic eyes and tight curly hair, came up to my desk, leaned against it, and stared at me mischeviously. She was holding a folded piece of paper in her hand. Obviously she had something to say to me, and it seemed to have something to do with the piece of paper. The idea flashed through my mind that I was going to be given some sort of reward or something, because she looked, for all intents and purposes, happy and exicted. I looked at her curiously and expectantly for a moment, and, after screwing her mouth around for a minute, she said "Missing someone?". I had no idea what she was talking about, so I just smiled for a minute, and then looked up to the right, as though trying to think of something. "No" i said, continuing to smile. In reply to this she flashed open the piece of paper, and sitting inside was a small card from a strip club or something, with a picture of a woman in lingerie on it, and some sort of curly script writing. After seeing this, I was still just as confused as before, and so I just continued to stare at her, bemused and inquisitive. And so she told me that J. (my boss' boss) had found the card in one of the scanners in the office, and had thus made a search through the computers to see what had been done with it. In the process she had found several "cookies" (I have no idea what those are) related to some porn sites (I was not told the exact nature of the sites). This had made J. quite irate, and so she asked my boss to find out if it were one of her employees. Of course they all assumed it was me (and they were partially right), because the office is almost entirely women, who presumably take no interest in this kind of thing, and of all the men that work in the office I'm the only one who uses a computer. So of course it was me. I didn't exactly admit to it, but I didn't really deny it either. I should have just baldly lied right to her face, denying everything, but I had just woken up, and wasn't thinking straight. And then she was just so happy, so light-hearted, that it just didn't really occur to me that there was anything particulaily serious about the situation. Anyway, she made it clear that if anything like this ever happened again, i'd be in real trouble.

The truth is, that on Friday last I was looking at porn on my computer after everyone else had left for the day. I don't make a habit of doing this, and have only done so two other times in the year that I have worked there, but It was indeed me who was doing it. But who the hell left that card? I mean, I'm gay, I don't need calling cards from female strip-clubs. Somebody else had left that card. We got a new scanner a couple of months ago, which isn't used very often, so maybe it was there when we got it? I don't think that any of the other employees had left it, 'cause even though some of them are youngish men like myself, none of them are ever in the office by themselves. It could have been one of the females, and if so I think it's pretty shitty of them to let me take the fall for what they did. The only other thing I can think of is that someone from a different office snuck in left it there...maybe planted it there, to get me in trouble! But that's too paranoid. Still....it's kind of mysterious, and if it hadn't been for that card, J. would never had found those "cookies". It doesn't really matter though, the damage has been done. It's a pretty small office, and from the way that everyone is looking at me and treating me I think they know about the situation and all think it was me. Aaargh. It is very uncomfortable for me there now. Thank god this is only a three day week.

[another grey day, but today im really enjoying it.]

another grey day, but today im really enjoying it. I biked down to the river and read for awhile, smoking cigarettes and drinking water. Bah. I'm already lying. I knew I would do that. But how am I supposed to be truthful without exposing myself to ridicule? Yes, i sat by the river and read, but what I was REALLY doing down there was waiting for someone to come by to have sex with me. See, this area down by the river is one of the places here in Columubs, OH, where men go to have annoymous sex with each other. I sat around for a long time, reading a smoking, and no one showed up. It being cold and cloudy, and seeing as OSU's football team was playing their arch-rivals from Michigan, I figured that no one would be venturing out to the woods that day. So, I started to leave, when I looked behind me and saw a man approaching. I sort of stopped and looked around for a minute, not sure what to do, when another guy showed up, following the first. And just after that another. I recognized one of them, this older gentleman who's really clingy and invasive, but the other ones I didn't know. One of them looked like a cop, so I just sat down and waited to see what would happen.

Well, sure enough they all wanted to get it on. It's kind of annoying to try and get it on with more than one guy at a place like that, because everyone has their own ideas about who they want to be with, and who they won't tolerate. The older gentleman will suck all the dick that's offered to him, as long as it's big. Everyone wants to ignore the fat guys, especially the fat guys themselves. As for me, I must make the confession that the only guys I'll turn away on sight are black guys and guys with bad hygene. Even though the first guy that I ever had sex with was black, for some reason they just don't do it for me, and I never enjoy myself with them. Also, if they're going down on me, I feel too much like we're renacting the power dynamic between blacks and whites in america, and i don't feel comfortable with that. On the other hand, if I'm going down on them, then I often feel like they're too rough with me, like they're taking out their anger at white america out on me. I don't really like that either.

Actually, the truth is it's probably just phermones.

Anyway, the guy that looked like a cop, a tall balding guy with red hair, moustache and beard, and hard indigo eyes, eventually joined me and the older gentleman. Eventually a short fat guy with a small dick came over too, but everyone but me just ignored him. He was kind of funny; the older gentleman was sucking my dick when the fat guy came over. The fat guy took out his dick, and I barely had time to stroke it at all before he came. I guess he was really enjoying himself! I found it amusing.

Hmmm....the red-haired guy....he reminded me of this guy that i had sort of a fling with back in Minneapolis. They didn't really look similar, but they had a similar style; sort of a generic masculine look, not masculine like a football player or a suburbanite, but masculine like a coffee shop scholar. Like, such a robust body by genetics, but with more of an intellectual bent. Well, I don't KNOW that he was an intellecual, but instead of the generic sweatpants or jeans that the other guys were wearing, he had on some white docker-style khakis, and a tan trenchcoat. All very cheap and low-class, but to MY eyes very attractive. I want him again, the red-haired guy. I sucked him off 'till he came. He sucked me for awhile too, and it was actually really good, and I thought I was going to cum (which is actually kind of difficult for me) but the annoying old guy kept bugging me! I don't know what it is about that guy! Anyway, before he came, he said to the older guy (not to me) that he was close to cumming. The old guy was like "give it to him, he wants it", and the red-haired guy was like "Oh he does?" And it didn't sound sleazy when he said it. He actually sounded a little doubtful, like for some reason I shouldn't want his cum. And I thought to myself "maybe he has AIDS or something". But on the other hand, his doubtfullness may have been because the old guy said it, and not me. So i made some soft, needy sounds while I sucked him off, to let him know that yes indeed I DID want it.

After he came he said "Thank you", and sounded very sincere. It was the only thing that he said directly to me. It really turned me on that they were talking about me without talking directly to me. I like people to talk during sex, but I have very little to say myself. Also, i felt very objectified by them, and that turned me on as well.

Bah. I was hoping that this blog wouldn't become just a catalogue of my sleazy sexual encounters. But, if that is what I did, then that is what I did.

By the way, the thing that i was lying about at the begining wasn't the fact that I was down there to have sex, but the fact that i wasn't just smoking and drinking water, I was also eating some fig newtons. For some reason I'm feeling ashamed to write that, and it caused me great emotional pain when I typed it. isn't that bizarre? Even reading it over again just now causes me pain, though not as bad as at first.

First entry.

Allright. I've been thinking about doing this for awhile, creating fictitious entries in my head and what-not, but I've just gotten around to starting this today.

Not such a good day to start this though. Rather blah, I am. It's dark out today. Usually this does not bother me, in fact I usually quite like it, but today I feel as though I need the sun. I feel...as though I have nothing to grasp onto. Like there is no safe harbour, no stable ground. Where I am (emotionally) is not practical for a longterm stay, but I have no idea where else to go. It will sort itself out, i'm sure, but in the meantime I feel a little strange. Maybe that's why I decided to start this blog today; with no other voices calling me, I had to search out something new. This blog was not calling me, I was courting it unsolicited. Now I have reached out to it, and am forming a relationship with it. Eventually, it will sing to me when I am unawares, while thinking of something else, and will hopefully entertain me through many a grey day.