I was just acting out in a public restroom, when who should walk in but someone from my SAA group. How awkward! I sat there tensely for a minute or two, then left.

The really annoying thing about it was that he was acting like he was all ashamed of himself for what he was doing. This annoyed me because it brings to mind the thing that I dislike the most about the other people in the S-groups: They hate themselves for what they are doing, and they act like sex is just bad, bad, bad. Which is pretty much the opposite of how I feel. I think sex is inherently good, but that the way I'm using sex is having negative consequences for me and the people I have sex with. I don't feel shame about what I'm doing, I just think I'm making poor decisions.

This disconnect between me and the other people in the S-addict community is really hampering my ability to get anything from my interactions with them.

Something strange has been happening to me today: several times I've noticed girls, young women, giving me dreamy, lingering looks. It happened twice as I was walking around, and once in my microbiology class.

This is very unusual. Girls don't usually look at me like that. Usually they try to avoid my eyes as much as possible, or sometimes even roll their eyes at me, as though my blank staring in their general direction meant I wanted to get with them, and they wanted to make it clear that they saw me as less than dirt. Which is very annoying, you know, because I'm gay. I'm almost offended that they would think that I wanted them, and frustrated that all of sudden there's this negativity between me and some strange girl.

Certainly not all girls do this, but there are definitely some girls out there that use what they perceive as your desire for them to their advantage. I hate it when a girl pushes rudely in front of me, assuming that my trembling desire for them will make me feel like it was a privledge, not an annoying intrusion. Or when a girl tries to get help from me on an assignment, and she tries to look all helpless and vulnerable, so that my inate heterosexual desire to be the big man that saves the poor little girl and gets laid will kick in, and I'll have no choice but to do what they ask. It's annoying. I almost feel a little violated by it, because they're involving me in a sexually-charged interaction that I'm not at all interested in. Honestly, though I don't think women are evil in any way, I can see how I would think such a thing if I actually was attracted to them, did not feel confident about my standing with them, and was constantly having that weakness manipulated by them.

But these looks today...they were different. They were more the kind of looks that you give someone that you're attracted too, and want to keep looking at so strongly that you feel compelled to go beyond what is normally allowed for casual glances at strangers. I know that look, because I do it all the time. And while I don't want anything from these girls, It does feel nice to have a stranger on the street look at me that way. Especially a straight girl, because they're so picky and hard to please, unlike gay guys, where you can really be not-that-great-looking and still have them stare at you with desperate hunger. And if a straight girl is into me, especially the teeny-bopper types that have been giving me attention today, then I must look like a straight guy. If I look like a straight guy, them that's great, because that way I'll be more attractive to gay guys.