betrayal, Kate Bush, Dolphin.

very emotional today. Long story...i'll just say that I managed to get stood up by two different men today, an old lover and an ex-boyfriend. I don't know that It was actually going to be so much fun to see them (seperately), but I was still really hurt, especially seeing as in both cases it wasn't even me who initiated the plans...like, they asked me to hang out, and then both of them ditched out on me. What the fuck? I was depressed, so to cheer myself up and get me out of the house I went out to buy a new CD (The Dreaming by Kate Bush.....super excellent!). After that, I went to the local coffee shop to drown my sorrows in a warm beverage. I was expecting to sit quietly and unobtrusively in the corner and listen to my new CD, but when I got there I saw that there was this guy there....this one guy....a guy that I know. Me had him....we had a mild flirtation awhile back that led nowhere. Hmmm....we hung out for awhile, read quietly together while drinking our drinks. It was nice. He's a nice guy. Afterwards, me and him, (lets call him Dolphin) went back to my apartment. I expected somehow that we would have sex, but that didn't happen. Instead we talked. I have a stuffed animal, a dolphin, big enough to use as a pillow. He saw this, and got a little exicted, telling me how when people ask him "what kind of animal would you want to be?" he allways says "a dolphin". Then he told me a story about some people who were caught in shark-infested waters. A group of dolphins came round and swam in a circle to protect them untill the sharks went away. Sharks and dolphins have an adversarial relationship, with dolphins actually posing a threat to the sharks. After that I tried to get it on with him, but he left rather quickly. I'm not sure what to think of it. He invited me to hang out with him on thanksgiving, to go with him to some restaurant in the evening. All we did when he left was hug. I've actually had sex with him a few times before, but that was before we knew each other. Like, it was anonymous sex. Now that we are...close acquaintances, it seems like sex is not on the agenda. We flirt a little bit still, but....I like him, and tonight I wanted to have sex with him, but somehow that didn't happen.

I'm just not sure whats going on here. Does he like me or not? Of course he does. Actually, I must say that he's the only person I've met in awhile that I would actually want to have a close relationship with. Well, one other guy too, but he's already in a longterm thing with someone else. But...Dolphin is very clean, and very middle class....and I'm a poor, uncultured slob, who's quite happy being that way. Wah!! Eternal damnation!! In my head though, we're living together to a ripe old age, reconciling all our differences, and being quite happy.

Whenever someone likes me, I allways assume that they don't really like me, they just like their idea of me; or they like the idea of having somebody, and that i'd be good enough for that. I often feel as though other people are trying to make me into their image of what they want me to be. That is very stressfull for me, because even though I have a strong desire to please people and conform to their wishes (and please don't tell me that's bad, because I've thought it through and have decided that that's just fine), I am also by nature independant, self-protective, and individualistic to an unusually extreme level. I constantly worry about people taking advantage of me, and have very few close ties with other people. Sigh....as much as I would like to be the man that Dolphin wants me to be, I don't think I can do it. He will have to accept me for who I am. However, I kinda doubt that he will be able to accept me for who I am. I would like to enter into a deeper relationship with him, but I know already it's doomed to fail, so I'm scared and resistant. Is it worth all the pain, just for a few moments of pleasure?