I'm going to hang out with The Bartender again tonight. I had been avoiding calling him, because I realized that I couldn't have sex with him right now, because of all the sex addict stuff, and that I needed to tell him that before we hung out again. I thought it would be easy, but I was still avoiding calling him. When I finally did call him, I decided that maybe I wouldn't tell him, or that I would wait 'till later. But I couldn't focus, I was too worried, too emotional. Everything he said to me was just in one ear and out the other. I realized that I couldn't go on until I told him, so I screwed up my courage, and, in one breathless and desperate plunge, I told him my story; that I was a sex addict, and that I couldn't sleep with him anymore, because I needed to work on my sobriety first. What he said really surprised me. He was just like "I understand what you're saying, and totally respect that. I would still like to spend time with you. From the few conversations we had I find you smart, interesting, very cute, and would like to get to know you better."

I just melted then. All the tension that I didn't know I had lifted away. I swear my shoulders lowered a full six inches, and I actually cried a little bit, though only for a few seconds. I didn't realize that this was bothering me so much. I was so grateful to him for understanding, and for still wanting to see me. It wasn't conscious, but what I assumed would happen is that he would make some excuse to no longer see me, that without sex there was no reason for him to want to hang out with me. And that was stressing me out. When I found out that he still liked me, it was like a whole new world of possibilities and freedoms opened up to me, and I could happily face the future (can you say "relationship addict" or "codependant"? I mean, it's nice that he still likes me, but is it really healthy to be that strongly affected by it, to be that grateful?).

So we'll be hanging out tonight. I'm really looking forward to it.


Two midterms I took this week. 'A' on the biology, and I haven't gotten the molecular genetics back yet, though I can tell from the answer key they posted online that I didn't do very well at all. Things are going well though: in chemistry and biology I've gotten more than 90% of the points that are possible to get so far. Molecular genetics....not so well, but there's still plenty of time to catch up.