I had...a not too great weekend. I went down to cincinnati with a friend who had business down there. I'm not completely sure, but I think that on Saturday I acted-out more frequently, with the greatest number of people, doing the greatest variety of things than in any other 24 hour period: and this just after I had vowed to limit my acting out to solitary mastrabation, like, just after.
I really don't know how I'm going to fix this problem. It really is starting to feel like I don't have control over it, like, I think that perhaps I really am begining to understand the 1st step in the whole 12-step thing ("We admitted we were powerless over sexual compulsion -- that our lives had become unmanageable"). I want to start taking this SAA thing more seriously, but even thinking about causes me a great deal of suffering and pain.
This is starting to feel very serious. I thought that this seemed quite big and heavy before, but now...it's clear that I wasn't really getting how much this was impacting my life before.
On another note, I was thinking, while dreaming last night, that the dreams that I remember are not the real dreams. Like, I perceived that I had two levels (at least) of dreaming. The one that I remember is not especially far from my conscious mind, and my reactions, feelings, and thoughts in that state are usually quite similar to my waking reactions and thoughts; it's only the situations that I find myself in that are quite different. I never give up control of myself in these dreams.
The second level is...scarier. In these dreams...I am less myself. I hesitate as I'm typing because I'm really not sure what goes on in these dreams; they're not the ones I remember; but I got a taste of one, a quick glimpse, last night. It was just some animated animals, looking cute and playing games. It was terrifying. Why was it terryifying? Because my consciousness was not having any expression; I was not in control. It was cute right then, but if anything bad had happened then I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I brought myself to a more conscious level immediately.
I want to explore that level of my dream consciousness more, but It's scary. Perhaps that is a project that will have to wait until I'm more mentally stable.
On the other hand, all dreams are simply conscious reconstructions of subconscious mental activity anyway, so my whole perception of having "two levels" is just an interpretive impostion of my consciousness on something that I don't understand.
I really don't know how I'm going to fix this problem. It really is starting to feel like I don't have control over it, like, I think that perhaps I really am begining to understand the 1st step in the whole 12-step thing ("We admitted we were powerless over sexual compulsion -- that our lives had become unmanageable"). I want to start taking this SAA thing more seriously, but even thinking about causes me a great deal of suffering and pain.
This is starting to feel very serious. I thought that this seemed quite big and heavy before, but now...it's clear that I wasn't really getting how much this was impacting my life before.
On another note, I was thinking, while dreaming last night, that the dreams that I remember are not the real dreams. Like, I perceived that I had two levels (at least) of dreaming. The one that I remember is not especially far from my conscious mind, and my reactions, feelings, and thoughts in that state are usually quite similar to my waking reactions and thoughts; it's only the situations that I find myself in that are quite different. I never give up control of myself in these dreams.
The second level is...scarier. In these dreams...I am less myself. I hesitate as I'm typing because I'm really not sure what goes on in these dreams; they're not the ones I remember; but I got a taste of one, a quick glimpse, last night. It was just some animated animals, looking cute and playing games. It was terrifying. Why was it terryifying? Because my consciousness was not having any expression; I was not in control. It was cute right then, but if anything bad had happened then I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I brought myself to a more conscious level immediately.
I want to explore that level of my dream consciousness more, but It's scary. Perhaps that is a project that will have to wait until I'm more mentally stable.
On the other hand, all dreams are simply conscious reconstructions of subconscious mental activity anyway, so my whole perception of having "two levels" is just an interpretive impostion of my consciousness on something that I don't understand.
posted by nearfalse | 8:55 AM
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