I'm thinking of quitting my medication. Since I've been on it I've been more depressed and more paranoid than I was before. I feel so hopeless about life, in a way that I don't remember feeling in recent years. And my paranoia...I had gotten it down to a manageable state before, but now it's starting to get a little out of hand.

Anyway, the whole point of me getting on this drug was not because life was unmanageable, but because life would become unmanageable every time I tried to quit smoking. Well, I recently did try to quit smoking again for about four days, and the feeling was way worse than it usually is when I quit. Usually I feel great for about 3 weeks, and then the weirdness starts in. This time the weirdness was there right from the begining.

I don't know...my psychiatrist is totally unwilling to face the idea that this drug may be making me worse, because she just knows that it can't do anything but either make me better or create no change at all. She makes excuses for the drug, saying things like "You're not repressing the paranoia any more, so that's why you're feeling it more strongly now." It reminds me of when I was Macrobiotic, and it was obviously not working for me, yet I still held on, saying things like "I'm detoxing from all the garbage I used to eat" when I was feeling physically like shit; or "This mental disturbance seems so strong because I'm really just becoming fully aware of it for the first time, as part of the natural healing process." Come on! I'm feeling worse! It started right when I started to take the medication! What could be simpler!