I wonder if it wasn't a mistake to start going to school. I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off just sticking to an earlier plan I had, which was work at a place that will do some tuition reimburesement (like what I had at Huntington Bank), and get an Associate's degree in Bookkeeping or Payroll Accounting. Then I would have had something like a career, except it would have been like Career Lite, which is sort of my ideal: a job that is a little bit interesting, but not so interesting that I lose sleep over it, or have to spend more than 8 hours a day working on it. I would get about 14 dollars an hour for a job like that, which would be just fine. I can't really expect too much from myself anyway. I'm struggling as it is, just trying to live a low-key kind of a life. If I can stop myself from dying of exposure or starvation, and instead die from just getting old, then I'll consider myself a success at life.

Actually, the main criteria that I have for whether or not I'm a success at life is if I have love and friendship. I would feel eternally blessed if I found, at the end of my life, that I had love for most of the time. Right now it's not seeming so much like that's happening. Gay guys (including me) seem so angry and defensive, so bitchy and mean (yes, even the one you would call "straight acting") that it seems like forming a loving bond with any of them is just impossible.

I think I'm just getting anxious and bitter because I've been thinking about what it will be like when I start working again, and it's reminded me that for most people the goal of life is not to work for the good of everyone, and help the world become a better place, but is instead to scramble as close to the top of the pile as possible, then spend the rest of your life trying to pull the people above you down so you can take their place, or kick back those who are trying to come up so that they won't threaten your position. The really sad thing about this, is that if you do manage to make it to the top, then the only benefit you get is that power to make sure that you STAY on top. That's all. So what's the point?