I don't feel so good right now: I was just sexually propositioned by a very young, very attractive man, and I turned him down. I did this because I was feeling like I didn't have a choice in the matter, that my compulsive behavior patterns were taking over. I did this because I'm pretty sure I have an STD right now, and I knew that once I got started I wouldn't know when to say when, when to draw the line. I did this because he is a stranger, and for all I know has extra-special STD's himself. I did this because I would have felt like shit afterwords, because he's so young and beautiful, and I'm so not young and not beautiful, and being with him would have just made me feel even more distant from other young and beautiful people, and people in general, by putting up a wall of sexualization between me and them (for I use sexual interactions as a replacement for actually social conncection). I did this because it would just have fed my self-image as a person whose only value is what he can do sexually for others.

But I feel, in a strong way, like I made a mistake; like somehow I'm missing (for I could still take him up on his offer) something really great, which I may never have a chance to do again. I may never have the opportunity to have sex with someone that beautiful again, is what I'm telling myself, and having sex is one of the most important things, for me and for everyone. That's just the way the world works: sex is more important than anything else, and the best person is the person who has, not only the most sex, but sex with the most desireable people. If I could tell people "I had sex with so-and-so," and so-and-so is seen as very sexually desirable , then my status goes up; and I have so little status, and so little worth as it is; the least I could do is make sure I have sexual status. Everyone would envy me, I tell myself. If I don't do it, then people will think I'm stupid, and I'll be derided, or seen as neruotic. In fact, to prove to people that I'm NOT sexually neurotic, that I AM comfortable and knowledgable about sex, then I'd better go have sex with this guy, so everyone will know how sexually healthy I am.