Infections; Advice
I think that I'll always remember 2005 as the year of the many infections. I spent all of Winter quarter dealing with an STD; it took me about a month and half trying to figure out what it was, and then another month and a half trying to get rid of it. Now the same thing is happening again, only with a new infection: I seem to have worms, crawling around my rectum, feeding and laying their eggs in and on me. I've only seen one thing that could convincingly be called a worm to an untrained eye such as mine, but the other symptoms are all there. So, spring quarter, 2005, was spent obsessing over my ass, worrying myself sick over what the hell was happening to me (just like I did in Winter quarter, except over my dick). Now, for the past few weeks, I've been working to get rid of the infection. Just like with the Chlamydia, the first attempt didn't cure it completely, so I have to do it again.
And, to top it all off, for the past couple of days I've felt little twinges in my dick that really remind me of the STD I had in Winter (of course, it also feels just like a urinary tract infection, which is why it took me so long to figure out that I had it the first time, back in Winter). If I really have gotten re-infected with Chlamydia, then I'm gonna be really pissed off: I only had unsafe sex two or three times since I cured my last infection. I had unsafe sex SO many times over the past 3 or 4 years, on a very regular basis, and I never got any sort of disease. Now I can't even do it once without getting something? What the fuck? I speculate that there's been an outbreak of Chlamydia in Ohio ('cause I got infected in Cincinnati too, not just Columbus), and a lot of folks who like to sleep around have it right now.
This is not such a serious thing to me: a simple, one dose pill takes care of it very quickly. More serious is what is says about my out-of-control sexual behavior: shouldn't getting this infection twice be enough to teach me my lesson? I guess not: rock-bottom is still, apparently, a long ways away. Even more annoying is the question of how I'm gonna cure it: I really don't want to go back to the clinic, and be subjected to the whole Q-tip-shoved-up-the-urethra song-and-dance again. That really hurts! I could ask my doctorish friend to write me a prescription for the medication, like I did last time (which, by the way, I'm extremely grateful for) but I'm so embarrassed: like most addicts, I like to hide the true extent of my addiction; and, like most people, I'm sure my doctorish friend is going to get all concerned about me, and start offering me helpful advice. Which I can't stand.
I don't know why I get so annoyed when people give me advice. I think that it's partially because they never, even those who know me best, ever understand what I'm really going through, and so advice always feels really misguided and misplaced, as though it is a totally alien imposition on me. It feels like someone is trying to subtly control me, by getting me to do what they think I should do: how much of it is concern, and how much is their neurotic need to impose their standards and morals on other people, and thereby validate their own sense of reality?
I have such a negative view of people: no one is good, everyone has ulterior motives, everyone is selfish.
I should see this concern for my welfare in a more positive light: yes, they are trying to impose their somewhat arbitrary standards of behavior on me, but the motivation, I'm sure, is not social control or neurotic insecurity, but real concern about my health and well-being. From outside of the system (the system being each individual's psyche) I can tell that their standards of behavior and conceptions of reality are not universal, and, while based loosely on logical conclusions, are more arbitrary than not; however, my friends really do believe that their standards of thought and behavior are the best, and that they apply to my situation. They are trying to help me be happier and healthier the only way they know how: by interpreting my situation in the context of their standards of what is possible, and then giving me solutions based on that interpretation. Thank you, everyone : ) (that last comment was not meant sarcastically, by the way).
And it's not like their advice is SO irrelevant; it's not like I'm some sort of alien, with a totally different perception of reality from human beings. I really just need to learn to accept advice from others, without feeling pressured to do what they say. If I'm secure in my own sense of reality, then other people having contrary views should not offend me. And why is my sense of reality so sacred, that I need to fight off all contrary points of view anyway? I'm the one who is so convinced that my standards (along with everyone else's) are mostly arbitrary, yet I fight to uphold those sacred standards with all my might. It's really ridiculous. And really, if anyone is feeling neurotic about people doing things against a set standard, it's me.
And, to top it all off, for the past couple of days I've felt little twinges in my dick that really remind me of the STD I had in Winter (of course, it also feels just like a urinary tract infection, which is why it took me so long to figure out that I had it the first time, back in Winter). If I really have gotten re-infected with Chlamydia, then I'm gonna be really pissed off: I only had unsafe sex two or three times since I cured my last infection. I had unsafe sex SO many times over the past 3 or 4 years, on a very regular basis, and I never got any sort of disease. Now I can't even do it once without getting something? What the fuck? I speculate that there's been an outbreak of Chlamydia in Ohio ('cause I got infected in Cincinnati too, not just Columbus), and a lot of folks who like to sleep around have it right now.
This is not such a serious thing to me: a simple, one dose pill takes care of it very quickly. More serious is what is says about my out-of-control sexual behavior: shouldn't getting this infection twice be enough to teach me my lesson? I guess not: rock-bottom is still, apparently, a long ways away. Even more annoying is the question of how I'm gonna cure it: I really don't want to go back to the clinic, and be subjected to the whole Q-tip-shoved-up-the-urethra song-and-dance again. That really hurts! I could ask my doctorish friend to write me a prescription for the medication, like I did last time (which, by the way, I'm extremely grateful for) but I'm so embarrassed: like most addicts, I like to hide the true extent of my addiction; and, like most people, I'm sure my doctorish friend is going to get all concerned about me, and start offering me helpful advice. Which I can't stand.
I don't know why I get so annoyed when people give me advice. I think that it's partially because they never, even those who know me best, ever understand what I'm really going through, and so advice always feels really misguided and misplaced, as though it is a totally alien imposition on me. It feels like someone is trying to subtly control me, by getting me to do what they think I should do: how much of it is concern, and how much is their neurotic need to impose their standards and morals on other people, and thereby validate their own sense of reality?
I have such a negative view of people: no one is good, everyone has ulterior motives, everyone is selfish.
I should see this concern for my welfare in a more positive light: yes, they are trying to impose their somewhat arbitrary standards of behavior on me, but the motivation, I'm sure, is not social control or neurotic insecurity, but real concern about my health and well-being. From outside of the system (the system being each individual's psyche) I can tell that their standards of behavior and conceptions of reality are not universal, and, while based loosely on logical conclusions, are more arbitrary than not; however, my friends really do believe that their standards of thought and behavior are the best, and that they apply to my situation. They are trying to help me be happier and healthier the only way they know how: by interpreting my situation in the context of their standards of what is possible, and then giving me solutions based on that interpretation. Thank you, everyone : ) (that last comment was not meant sarcastically, by the way).
And it's not like their advice is SO irrelevant; it's not like I'm some sort of alien, with a totally different perception of reality from human beings. I really just need to learn to accept advice from others, without feeling pressured to do what they say. If I'm secure in my own sense of reality, then other people having contrary views should not offend me. And why is my sense of reality so sacred, that I need to fight off all contrary points of view anyway? I'm the one who is so convinced that my standards (along with everyone else's) are mostly arbitrary, yet I fight to uphold those sacred standards with all my might. It's really ridiculous. And really, if anyone is feeling neurotic about people doing things against a set standard, it's me.
posted by nearfalse | 10:56 AM
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