I am feeling contradictory emotions right now: on the one hand I feel warm, fuzzy, and content. On the other, I feel like I may have a nervous breakdown.

I have decided (though not with finality) that I will take Plant Biology this summer. I think that sounds pleasant; I'll spend lots of time on my bike, riding around town, looking at all the different plants, and thinking about them in terms of what I am learning. It has become quite clear to me lately that I'll never do anything with my degree besides just having it as a status marker, so I might as well enjoy the process of attaining it as much as possible.

Lately all my dreams have been rather bland. The other night, for example, I dreamed about the importance of using history to back up one's arguments. A friend of mine, the doctorish guy, was telling me about something or other, trying to make some point, and I thought "I see, he is using history to back up his argument," because that's what he was doing. This thought was comforting to me.

This morning by alarm kept going off, as usual, and I kept pressing the snooze button, which is totally normal. Yet I was still sleeping, for I was so very, very tired, and still dreaming. I had the impression that, every time I pressed the button, I was getting some sort of wisdom from the clock, some secret message. I became quite interested in the phenomenon, and was eagerly awaiting the next time it would go off. Eventually, though, I woke up enough to realize what I was doing, and the pleasant delusion was shattered :( It is sad to me, to give up delusions. Even when my life was completely falling apart due to my delusions, and was suffering greatly, I was still quite attactched to them. They made my life seem special, more magical and important. To give them up, and realize that my life was actually quite commonplace, was difficult for me.