Interpretation from the Outside
Not in a very good mood today...didn't get much sleep, as usual for a weekday...I asked a friend out on a date last night, and of course I was rejected; politely rejected, with coherent, kind sounding excuses, but rejected nonetheless. I was pretty sure of myself about it, but I guess I was wrong...he basically said "not right now, maybe later," which of course is going to turn into "not right now, maybe later" at some point in the future, and then, later on, will magically materialize into "not right now, maybe later."
Then I had a dream about the guy. He had moved to a different state, to take some sort of media related job, and he asked me to come visit him there. I did so, and in his stark, dirty, all-white bedroom we tried to talk, get along, and make love, none of which was very satisfying. He had changed alot since when he lived in the same state as me, had become much more superficial, and actually really stupid. It was just annoying. He spent alot of time working, which annoyed me too, because I had come very far to see him, but which also relieved me, because we weren't getting along. After awhile, though, I found out that what he was really doing was hanging out with his new Asian girlfriend, drinking cocktails and coffee at swanky outdoor clubs. I found this out by accident, 'cause I just happened to be there for other reasons.
We, all three of us, played a game there: the guy was on the cover of some magazine/newspaper thing, and if he went away, to the place where the photo was shot, we could do things to the photo and he would feel them. Me and the Asian girlfriend made snowballs and threw them at the photo, and the girlfriend ground the photo with her black stilleto heels. I found this very gratifying, until I realized that he probably wasn't even positioned at the place where the photo was shot, and was actually happily enjoying a fresh mug of coffee, somewhere warm and bright, and watching us two on a video screen, quite amused at our shenanigans.
It always comes as a surprise to me, when I realize that people are not feeling the same things as me, or when it becomes clear that someone does not have the personality that I thought they did, or is not going through the subjective experience that I thought they were. In this dream there was both of those aspects, with me finding out that he's not the man he used to be, and that I can't effect him by attacking the superficial image that he presents to the world. I am outside of him, in many ways, and, what is more, he wants to keep it that way. If I have any love for him at all, on any level, even on the most universal and abstract, then I have no choice but to respect that desire.
It reminds me of another dream I had once, about a different friend, whom I was feeling romantic feelings about at one point: we were sitting on a couch, in another stark, white room, and I reached over and held his hand. This was very pleasant for both of us, and it seemed very natural to me to lean over and give him a kiss. Before I made contact, however, he pulled away, looking at me with a gently angry and offended expression, and I realized that I had misread him, and that he was not feeling the same romantic feelings for me that I was for him. This was very distressing to me. I was very seriously thinking about coming on to this guy in waking reality, but, upon waking up and reviewing the facts, it was clear that it would not be appreciated.
But the really annoying thing is that I'll never actually know whether either of these two guys really want me or not, unless I actually expose myself enough to ask them. My disheartening dreams are just as much a reconstuction of how I interpret their actions as my pre-dream assurance of their interest was.
On a related note, I finally got a certain answer out of my psuedo-lover: he just wants to be friends, which, for me, is a great relief. The way in which he told me really just underlined why it is so good to not be involved with him: I called him up, and he told me that he had started dating someone else. I had to ask him explictly: "Is this your way of telling me that you just want to be friends?" He waffled on that for a minute, but eventually admitted that it was. So now he is no longer my pseudo-lover, but just my pseudo-friend.
Well, I've had enough of this to last me quite awhile. The next time I get involved with someone, they'll have to come on to ME, 'cause I'm sick of playing guessing games, and sick of expsoing myself to ridicule.
Then I had a dream about the guy. He had moved to a different state, to take some sort of media related job, and he asked me to come visit him there. I did so, and in his stark, dirty, all-white bedroom we tried to talk, get along, and make love, none of which was very satisfying. He had changed alot since when he lived in the same state as me, had become much more superficial, and actually really stupid. It was just annoying. He spent alot of time working, which annoyed me too, because I had come very far to see him, but which also relieved me, because we weren't getting along. After awhile, though, I found out that what he was really doing was hanging out with his new Asian girlfriend, drinking cocktails and coffee at swanky outdoor clubs. I found this out by accident, 'cause I just happened to be there for other reasons.
We, all three of us, played a game there: the guy was on the cover of some magazine/newspaper thing, and if he went away, to the place where the photo was shot, we could do things to the photo and he would feel them. Me and the Asian girlfriend made snowballs and threw them at the photo, and the girlfriend ground the photo with her black stilleto heels. I found this very gratifying, until I realized that he probably wasn't even positioned at the place where the photo was shot, and was actually happily enjoying a fresh mug of coffee, somewhere warm and bright, and watching us two on a video screen, quite amused at our shenanigans.
It always comes as a surprise to me, when I realize that people are not feeling the same things as me, or when it becomes clear that someone does not have the personality that I thought they did, or is not going through the subjective experience that I thought they were. In this dream there was both of those aspects, with me finding out that he's not the man he used to be, and that I can't effect him by attacking the superficial image that he presents to the world. I am outside of him, in many ways, and, what is more, he wants to keep it that way. If I have any love for him at all, on any level, even on the most universal and abstract, then I have no choice but to respect that desire.
It reminds me of another dream I had once, about a different friend, whom I was feeling romantic feelings about at one point: we were sitting on a couch, in another stark, white room, and I reached over and held his hand. This was very pleasant for both of us, and it seemed very natural to me to lean over and give him a kiss. Before I made contact, however, he pulled away, looking at me with a gently angry and offended expression, and I realized that I had misread him, and that he was not feeling the same romantic feelings for me that I was for him. This was very distressing to me. I was very seriously thinking about coming on to this guy in waking reality, but, upon waking up and reviewing the facts, it was clear that it would not be appreciated.
But the really annoying thing is that I'll never actually know whether either of these two guys really want me or not, unless I actually expose myself enough to ask them. My disheartening dreams are just as much a reconstuction of how I interpret their actions as my pre-dream assurance of their interest was.
On a related note, I finally got a certain answer out of my psuedo-lover: he just wants to be friends, which, for me, is a great relief. The way in which he told me really just underlined why it is so good to not be involved with him: I called him up, and he told me that he had started dating someone else. I had to ask him explictly: "Is this your way of telling me that you just want to be friends?" He waffled on that for a minute, but eventually admitted that it was. So now he is no longer my pseudo-lover, but just my pseudo-friend.
Well, I've had enough of this to last me quite awhile. The next time I get involved with someone, they'll have to come on to ME, 'cause I'm sick of playing guessing games, and sick of expsoing myself to ridicule.
posted by nearfalse | 9:27 AM
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