Blah...
I don't know what's going on with me...I'm in such a weird mood...I know..."weird"...that's so descriptive.
I just feel...very resistant...and angry at having to do things. Whenever I try to get something done I get distracted right away, willfully. I let myself go with the distraction, because it's painful to force myself down a path that is not immediately attractive to me...like, to enforce any sort of order and direction feels emotionally painful. I'm like a little kid, who doesn't want to listen to it's parents, who just wants to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants. It's always an argument between parent and child with me, no matter what I do...it's just that lately the child seems to be making better arguments (i.e. do what I want or I'll hurt you).
I don't know...I want to blame it on the fact that I haven't smoked in about a week, but I've been in this mood all quarter, most of which time I've been sucking down the cancer sticks like there's no tomarrow.
The real problem is that I know that studying (the thing that I'm resisting the most strongly) is really not the best thing for me right now. For the personal development of my soul I feel like I should be interacting with the world around me, excercising my creative muscles, and learning from direct experience instead of through books and classrooms. There's nothing wrong with books and classrooms mind you, at least not as far as I'm concerned; it's just that I just spentthe last three months with my head in a book, and now, for the sake of balance, it's time to do something else. But no. I'm a student. I'm required to study, even if it's against my better judgement.
I want the practical world to just go away for awhile. I want to live for pleasure now, with no sense of obligation of any kind. Later, in a couple of months, I'll gladly take on some responsibility...or at least I would, if I were allowed to relax now. But because it's all so relentless, and I never have the right to choose when it's time to be responsible and when it's time to be whimsical, I allways feel like I'm resisting the direction of my life. Or maybe the reality is that the outside world is resisting my flow, and going agaisnt what's natural. I guess me and the world are just flowing in opposite directions right now, and there's a power struggle to see who's going to win out. Well...not so much a power struggle, but just two natural forces collideing and working against each other, not because they especially want to, but because they can't be controlled...
I guess this all makes me sound really bourgeoise: "You mean I have to do things? I just want to drink champagne, read novels, and smoke cigars. I've decided not to work today, Mummy; tell the whole world to stop for a moment to indulge me." Yeah, yeah...life is work and there's no getting around it. Even if I were rich, then somewhere down the line somebody else would have to suffer and work twice as hard to provide me my leisure.
I just feel...very resistant...and angry at having to do things. Whenever I try to get something done I get distracted right away, willfully. I let myself go with the distraction, because it's painful to force myself down a path that is not immediately attractive to me...like, to enforce any sort of order and direction feels emotionally painful. I'm like a little kid, who doesn't want to listen to it's parents, who just wants to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants. It's always an argument between parent and child with me, no matter what I do...it's just that lately the child seems to be making better arguments (i.e. do what I want or I'll hurt you).
I don't know...I want to blame it on the fact that I haven't smoked in about a week, but I've been in this mood all quarter, most of which time I've been sucking down the cancer sticks like there's no tomarrow.
The real problem is that I know that studying (the thing that I'm resisting the most strongly) is really not the best thing for me right now. For the personal development of my soul I feel like I should be interacting with the world around me, excercising my creative muscles, and learning from direct experience instead of through books and classrooms. There's nothing wrong with books and classrooms mind you, at least not as far as I'm concerned; it's just that I just spentthe last three months with my head in a book, and now, for the sake of balance, it's time to do something else. But no. I'm a student. I'm required to study, even if it's against my better judgement.
I want the practical world to just go away for awhile. I want to live for pleasure now, with no sense of obligation of any kind. Later, in a couple of months, I'll gladly take on some responsibility...or at least I would, if I were allowed to relax now. But because it's all so relentless, and I never have the right to choose when it's time to be responsible and when it's time to be whimsical, I allways feel like I'm resisting the direction of my life. Or maybe the reality is that the outside world is resisting my flow, and going agaisnt what's natural. I guess me and the world are just flowing in opposite directions right now, and there's a power struggle to see who's going to win out. Well...not so much a power struggle, but just two natural forces collideing and working against each other, not because they especially want to, but because they can't be controlled...
I guess this all makes me sound really bourgeoise: "You mean I have to do things? I just want to drink champagne, read novels, and smoke cigars. I've decided not to work today, Mummy; tell the whole world to stop for a moment to indulge me." Yeah, yeah...life is work and there's no getting around it. Even if I were rich, then somewhere down the line somebody else would have to suffer and work twice as hard to provide me my leisure.
posted by nearfalse | 10:39 PM
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