Cheesy Existential Angst : )
I've come to the realization that my future holds nothing of interest. Life will be boring and meaningless from now on. I'm sure of it. I wish I was making a joke about this, but I'm not; I really don't see any value to living right now. I wish I knew how to not feel this way anymore. It's just that the options ahead of me, based on my income level, skills, and personality, are very limited, and none of the paths that seem to be open to me seem inspiring or worthwhile.
Perhaps I'm just too hung up on status and power. I don't want to waste my time writing, even though I really enjoy it, because I know it will never get published, and it's not going to have any impact on the world. I don't want to accept a life of working in an office, 9-5, as a low level clerical worker, because my pride rebels, and anyway, that's so boring. I think that, above all, I want my life to be interesting, to engage my mind and emotions in some way. Right now nothing is doing that. Everything I do seems pointless.
It's times like this that I really want to act out, because even though sex isn't actually all that meaningful, at least not the way I do it, it still feels meaningful and interesting; it certainly is engaging.
But is being interested in life really all that important? When I'm lying on my deathbed, is that really what I want to be saying? "I lived a good life: I kept myself entertained and occupied." I need some sort of deeper interest...to entertain myself with things that actually have meaning and purpose. But that's where I always get tripped up: What is actually meaningful? What is a worthwhile purpose? Not to be cliche, but what is the meaning of life? What's the point? What am I supposed to be doing? Anything? If there is no point, then keeping myself entertained is a worthwhile purpose...but no more worthwhile than anything else...and not being entertained is just as well. Actually, the only reason I want to find some sort of meaning to life is because otherwise I cannot think of any reason to not kill myself, and I've been indoctrinated with an ideology that says that killing yourself is wrong, and I follow that ideology with all my heart and soul. So killing myself is not an option...but what do I do instead? I mean, aside from going out and sucking as much dick as I can get my hands on...
Perhaps I'm just too hung up on status and power. I don't want to waste my time writing, even though I really enjoy it, because I know it will never get published, and it's not going to have any impact on the world. I don't want to accept a life of working in an office, 9-5, as a low level clerical worker, because my pride rebels, and anyway, that's so boring. I think that, above all, I want my life to be interesting, to engage my mind and emotions in some way. Right now nothing is doing that. Everything I do seems pointless.
It's times like this that I really want to act out, because even though sex isn't actually all that meaningful, at least not the way I do it, it still feels meaningful and interesting; it certainly is engaging.
But is being interested in life really all that important? When I'm lying on my deathbed, is that really what I want to be saying? "I lived a good life: I kept myself entertained and occupied." I need some sort of deeper interest...to entertain myself with things that actually have meaning and purpose. But that's where I always get tripped up: What is actually meaningful? What is a worthwhile purpose? Not to be cliche, but what is the meaning of life? What's the point? What am I supposed to be doing? Anything? If there is no point, then keeping myself entertained is a worthwhile purpose...but no more worthwhile than anything else...and not being entertained is just as well. Actually, the only reason I want to find some sort of meaning to life is because otherwise I cannot think of any reason to not kill myself, and I've been indoctrinated with an ideology that says that killing yourself is wrong, and I follow that ideology with all my heart and soul. So killing myself is not an option...but what do I do instead? I mean, aside from going out and sucking as much dick as I can get my hands on...
posted by nearfalse | 9:37 AM
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