Geology T.A.

Sigh...again, I am developing a crush on one of my teachers. A T.A. this time, for my geology lab. I usually don't mention my crushes on teachers, 'cause for me they're just par for the course. But this guy...well...he's very gay. Like, I would be shocked (shocked!) if I found out he was straight. He says the gayest things, all in his gentle, sing-songy voice, with lilting intonations, as though he's constantly asking little questions. He described to me the reason why we cannot tell the process by which some rocks come to be as they are, because they formed so long ago that we can't trace their development: "They're not like butterflies, where you can tell exactly which worm they come from," and he got all dreamy and inspired as he said it. A moment later he was all nervous and insecure acting. Is he nervous because of me? I thought. Is he attracted to me?

Butterflies indeed. How gay! Also, he's constantly relating rock grains and textures to hygene products, such as nail files and pumice stones. No self-respecting straight guy would do that; he would relate them to something manly, like something to do with cars, or factories.

And he's so cute. He's slender, with that wiry kind of muscle that you get from using your body a lot, as opposed to lifting weights. He is a geologist, after all, and those geologists tend to be rather physically minded. His face is long and bony, making him look...not severe, but very serious and earthy; I can see his bone structure easily, and so it's easy to think about him in physical terms, like he's a mass of bones, muscle, skin, etc. Blood and mucus. Lol: you wouldn't think that would be sexy, but it really is.

I kind of freaked out a little bit today though, 'cause he was wearing a ring on his ring finger, and from a distance it looked just like a wedding ring. I felt betrayed, and misled. When he got up close to me- he touched my hand!- I could see that it was silver, and of too cheap a metal to be a wedding ring. Thank god! I was so relieved.

This is so irrational. I don't even know him. I must forget about this. It is simply a crush. It's so much nicer when my crushes are directed towards those who are unattainable; it's so much easier when there's no chance of them coming to fruition, and therefore no chance of me fucking it all up and making a fool of myself. No chance of sleepless nights, worrying about how I'm gonna get the guy to like me, how to finagle my way into his heart. Allright, I'll calm down: friends first, and then think about love and such later- much later. If we don't get along as friends, then there's no point in even thinking about a relationship. Perhaps this crush, like so many others, is not a real attraction, but just a desire to connect with someone, and once a connection is made I'll forget that I ever wanted him.