Blah Blah Blah, Ramble Ramble Ramble
Last night (or actually earlier today) I dreamed that I was playing a racing video game. I had the worst car, because I was a beginner, and it was set up that your car improves as you play (which is how a lot of video games in general are set up in reality). Boy was I racing! I was going so fast. I wasn't winning, but I was doing pretty good, especially for my shitty little jalopy.
Eventually our little cartoon video game cars reached a stretch of highway that was thick with real cars, which was a whole 'nother challenge.
When I woke up I felt very emotionally balanced...almost unemotional. But I did pine a little bit for the days when I had a car, and could go driving about whenever I wanted, and could go places that were far away with barely any planning or thinking. A couple of days ago I had the chance to go to New York City (where I've always been wanting to go!) to visit a friend, but I couldn't because the tickets would have cost so much. I could have taken a greyhound bus for slightly less money, but it still would have only cost about half that much to drive, plus it would have taken about 8 hours of driving each way, instead of 12 hours, and I could have driven directly to where my friend was staying, instead of to some greyhound station or airport. Well...I had to cancel, which made me sad.
I could actually afford to buy a car, but only if I lived in it, with my car payments taking the place of my rent. Plus I would have to take out a loan, and I'm already taking out so much for school. If I were gonna take out a loan for anything, It would have to be for a computer, which I've been needing for a very long time. Sigh...maybe I should go back and live with Mark, who would let me sleep there and store my stuff there without having to pay rent. But me and Mark always got along so shitily when we lived together, and so harmoniously whenever we didn't; I would prefer to keep that harmony going. Anyway, I'm so happy in my room, so I'd like to keep that going too.
My pseudo-lover is being moody, but that's fine. Maybe he'll decide that he really doesn't want me, and life will be easier then.
But I feel good toady. I kind of feel like my old self again. Wow. I think I just realized what the problem has been for the past month: I've been trying to be sexually sober, and part of my definition of being sober is mastrabating no more than once a day. For years I've been jerking off two or three times a day. Sometimes more, sometimes not at all, but on average I would say it's usually twice a day. This makes it difficult to have sex with others, because I'm already sexually spent, and also because the heavy fantasizing that I have to do to get myself off makes real sex seem...not boring, but not sexually stimulating enough to actually get me off. I do it for the well-being that the orgasmic rush of endorphins through my system gives me. If I do it about twice a day, then the level of endorphins that keep me feeling balanced in the way that I like is sustained. I've been back to jerking off a couple of times a day for a couple of days now, and now I feel like I'm back to my old self again.
'Course, it could be the fact that I've been drinking a fair amount of caffeine for the past few days.
Also, I went back to thinking little afrimations to myself to combat feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. There are two things that I know about affrimations: 1) The impact on the psyche of a painful thought is much stronger than the impact of a pleasurable thought, so in order for an affrimation to work it has to be done more frequently than the painful thought it is intended to nullify. I've been told that each affrimation should be thought ten times in response to each painful thought (which really isn't as much as it seems. And anyway, what does one usually think about as one, say, walks down the street? "that guy's cute...it's going to rain...what time is it?...watch out for that dog shit.... A pleasant affrimation is really not such a waste of time compared to such things). 2) In order for an affrimation to be effective it should state the exact opposite of the negative thought, even if this makes the affrimation something that you totally don't believe in. For example, if the though you want to nullify is "I hate myself", then an appropriate affrimation would be "I love myself", not "I'm not really such a bad person. I don't really hate myself all that much." Or, if the thing that you're thinking is "I'm ugly", then the appropriate affrimation would be "I'm attractive," not "I'm okay looking." It doesn't matter if you don't believe it. The point isn't really to get at the truth, but to bring you out of the depression and despair that the negative thoughts are creating. It's not like the negative thoughts were all that true either. You gotta fight fire with fire, as they say (which, by the way, always sounded really dumb to me: if you fight fire with fire, then you just get a really big fire. Smart firefighters use water, not fire....or else that weird chemically engineered foam from the fire extinguishers...anything but fire).
Blah blah blah...ramble ramble ramble...i'm going to study Korean for a short while now, simply because it amuses me.
Eventually our little cartoon video game cars reached a stretch of highway that was thick with real cars, which was a whole 'nother challenge.
When I woke up I felt very emotionally balanced...almost unemotional. But I did pine a little bit for the days when I had a car, and could go driving about whenever I wanted, and could go places that were far away with barely any planning or thinking. A couple of days ago I had the chance to go to New York City (where I've always been wanting to go!) to visit a friend, but I couldn't because the tickets would have cost so much. I could have taken a greyhound bus for slightly less money, but it still would have only cost about half that much to drive, plus it would have taken about 8 hours of driving each way, instead of 12 hours, and I could have driven directly to where my friend was staying, instead of to some greyhound station or airport. Well...I had to cancel, which made me sad.
I could actually afford to buy a car, but only if I lived in it, with my car payments taking the place of my rent. Plus I would have to take out a loan, and I'm already taking out so much for school. If I were gonna take out a loan for anything, It would have to be for a computer, which I've been needing for a very long time. Sigh...maybe I should go back and live with Mark, who would let me sleep there and store my stuff there without having to pay rent. But me and Mark always got along so shitily when we lived together, and so harmoniously whenever we didn't; I would prefer to keep that harmony going. Anyway, I'm so happy in my room, so I'd like to keep that going too.
My pseudo-lover is being moody, but that's fine. Maybe he'll decide that he really doesn't want me, and life will be easier then.
But I feel good toady. I kind of feel like my old self again. Wow. I think I just realized what the problem has been for the past month: I've been trying to be sexually sober, and part of my definition of being sober is mastrabating no more than once a day. For years I've been jerking off two or three times a day. Sometimes more, sometimes not at all, but on average I would say it's usually twice a day. This makes it difficult to have sex with others, because I'm already sexually spent, and also because the heavy fantasizing that I have to do to get myself off makes real sex seem...not boring, but not sexually stimulating enough to actually get me off. I do it for the well-being that the orgasmic rush of endorphins through my system gives me. If I do it about twice a day, then the level of endorphins that keep me feeling balanced in the way that I like is sustained. I've been back to jerking off a couple of times a day for a couple of days now, and now I feel like I'm back to my old self again.
'Course, it could be the fact that I've been drinking a fair amount of caffeine for the past few days.
Also, I went back to thinking little afrimations to myself to combat feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. There are two things that I know about affrimations: 1) The impact on the psyche of a painful thought is much stronger than the impact of a pleasurable thought, so in order for an affrimation to work it has to be done more frequently than the painful thought it is intended to nullify. I've been told that each affrimation should be thought ten times in response to each painful thought (which really isn't as much as it seems. And anyway, what does one usually think about as one, say, walks down the street? "that guy's cute...it's going to rain...what time is it?...watch out for that dog shit.... A pleasant affrimation is really not such a waste of time compared to such things). 2) In order for an affrimation to be effective it should state the exact opposite of the negative thought, even if this makes the affrimation something that you totally don't believe in. For example, if the though you want to nullify is "I hate myself", then an appropriate affrimation would be "I love myself", not "I'm not really such a bad person. I don't really hate myself all that much." Or, if the thing that you're thinking is "I'm ugly", then the appropriate affrimation would be "I'm attractive," not "I'm okay looking." It doesn't matter if you don't believe it. The point isn't really to get at the truth, but to bring you out of the depression and despair that the negative thoughts are creating. It's not like the negative thoughts were all that true either. You gotta fight fire with fire, as they say (which, by the way, always sounded really dumb to me: if you fight fire with fire, then you just get a really big fire. Smart firefighters use water, not fire....or else that weird chemically engineered foam from the fire extinguishers...anything but fire).
Blah blah blah...ramble ramble ramble...i'm going to study Korean for a short while now, simply because it amuses me.
posted by nearfalse | 8:52 PM
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