When I was involved with The Suburban Pothead I had absolutely no ambition beyond living day to day and being happy. The reason for this was because I was in love. It was totally enough excitement and fulfillment for me to come home and hang out with him after work or school. I required nothing more beyond that. Yeah, the idea of doing other things was attractive as well, but only as accessories to my already completely satisfying life.

For a few months after we broke up I was still happy, because I was still in love, even if I couldn't be near the object of my affections any more. It was like he was an especially potent and long-lasting drug, which took several months to wear off. When it finally sunk in that he was really gone, and that it was pretty much my fault, I crashed pretty hard, and felt quite bad; however, I was still happier in that misery than I had been before I met him. Was I still in love? Yes, and to some extent I still am now. Would I go back to him, if the opportunity presented itself? I don't know...we weren't exactly good for each other. I'm not really concerned about getting back to him. My experience with him showed me that love is possible, that love is undeniably good, and that it is the most essential element to my potential happiness. Even though I don't really have love anymore, I am satisfied just knowing that I can have it, and that I probably will have it again one day. The only times when I really don't feel good any more is when I start to think that maybe I'll never be in love again, or that my love will always be frustrating, unrequited love that just leads to painful conflict, not the stable, fulfilling love that makes life complete.

God I want to fall in love again. I don't know if I'm really ready for it, or if I could be mature about it, but I still really want it.