This is a very long entry, that is entirely exposition, instead of narrative, so proceed at your own risk!

I haven't been writing much lately, because with the school and the work I don't have alot of time. I have, however, been keeping a handwritten journal, which I originally started to keep track of my feelings, thoughts, and physical reactions in my newest attempt to get sober. You see, about a week ago I had a day where I did nothing but various addictive activities. I woke up, felt good and motivated, had clearly laid out plans to get a variety of things done, and then proceeded to do nothing but act out. First, I spent 6 hours watching little video clips (non-pornographic) on the internet. I missed class because of this, and almost didn't have time to get to work. After I worked for an hour (which was all I was scheduled for), I decided to act out sexually, but first I drank a bunch of caffeine. I spent several dissatisfying hours down by the river either waiting for guys to show up, or actually having sex with men. Then, even though I was exhausted, I went over to a friend's house, smoked pot, and had sex with him.

The weird thing about all of it was that I had absolutely no idea why it was happening. The whole time I knew that I would rather be doing other things, or that other things would make me happier. And there was no pain or emotional distress that I could identify that would have driven me to act out. I thought about it, and thought about it, and the only thing that I could identify was a feeling that if I stopped acting out then something bad would happen. I didn't know what this bad thing was. I still don't know. It was just a feeling. Every time I tried to turn away from the activity I was engaged in, I felt very strongly that to quit was dangerous, and that I better keep doing whatever I was doing, at least for a few more minutes. Somehow a few more minutes took up my entire day, and I was left staring off into space, thinking "what happened?"

So I've decided to keep a little journal, where I could write about what was going on. And I've decided that I'm going to use all my strength to stop myself from acting out for as long as possible, because I believe that if I take my addictive behaviors away, then the reasons I do them will become a lot more clear. That's all I'm trying to do right now: figure out the reasons for my behavior. I think I knew at one point, but I've been acting out for so long that I don't remember them anymore; I just remember that there is some reason, and it's a very good reason, so I better just keep acting out.

It's only been a few days of me keeping the journal, but it has quickly morphed into a catalogue of sexual feelings, dreams, and my experience with the voices in my head. Most anyone that knows me well will not be surprised when I say that I hear voices in my head. They come and go, but they almost always occur right when I'm falling asleep or right when I wake up. These times of falling asleep and waking up are also two rather tempting times for me to act out. A casual glance may make it appear that the two are conected, but I don't believe so, because my habit of mastrabating directly before sleeping or right after waking up has been with me since the age of 12, long before I heard voices. In fact, at that time I had a friend who did actually hear voices, and I was a little envious, because it seemed to me like a badge of coolness, of being interesting, special.

So when I wake up in the morning, I'm generally kind of horny. Alot of guys feel this way, with the "morning wood" and what-have-you. It's biological. Maybe when the body is doing its nightly repairs and stuff, it's also making alot of semen, which wants to be released right when we wake up. In the morning I also feel less in control of my actions, so a desire to mastrabate is more likely to be acted upon, even if I'm trying to limit that activity. But the most important reason that I want to mastrabate immediately upon awakening is because I have such a difficult time waking up, and mastrabation helps get my blood flowing, my heart pumping, my mind activated, so I can start my day. It's really very useful for that. However, afterwards I feel a little drained, so I feel like my day gets off to a dragging start.

To counteract this, I'm keeping some nicotine gum next to my bed, which also increases the heart-rate and stimulates the mind. I pop some in my mouth right when I'm awake enough to think of it, and then I go and write in order to explore how I'm feeling sexually, how I feel about that feeling, what I'm thinking, what I think about what I'm thinking, what I think about what I'm feeling, and what I feel about what I'm thinking. You know the drill. But because I do this right in the morning, all the other things I'm typically thinking about in the morning also get put in the journal; and what I'm typically thinking about are the voices in my head and my dreams.

These also go together, because lately I've been worried that the voices are getting louder and more insistent than they were before. I know that they tend to get alot stronger if I've been drinking or doing drugs, so I try to minimize ingesting such things. But I was thinking the other day that the way I use sex to alter my mood is very drug-like, putting me into an altered state. And I was thinking that maybe being high on sex all the time is feeding into this somewhat distrubing part of myself. So one reason that I'm trying to get a little bit of sobriety right now is to see how it affects the voices in my head, like if they get weaker or stronger as I get more sober. And the dreams...well, I just like to think about my dreams.

I don't really expect to get any real, lasting sobriety right now. I'm considering this more to be like a fact-finding mission, so that when I'm ready at some point to take my sobriety seriously I'll have more good information at my disposal.

Also, when I have time I'll post my hand-written journal entries on this blog, so that those who are curious can have a look. This will be a good excercise for me as well; it'll be a good chance for me to take a review of my progress, and see if I can find any patterns.