School starts today. My first class is in 6 hours. Chemistry. But I'm not done from last quarter! Everything is backwards and wrong.
And why am I taking Russian again? I truly am masochistic. Or...it's not that I want to suffer...it's just that all the interesting things just happen to be difficult and painful.
It's like the old Yoko Ono song: "Growing Pain...Growing Joy...Growing Pain...Growing Joy," all set with a bluesy flute and watery vibrations behind it. (she's either 68 or 69 years old in that clip, by the way).
Sometimes I can't see the Joy through the Pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead. Is this why I've been feeling such a strong need to be religious lately? Most religions have an afterlife structured in to them. I'm already dead, so now what? Maybe religion will tell me.
And also about love: what Ms. Ono is outlining in her video above seems to me to be one of the most difficult things imaginable. No one wants you to tell them that you love them, and anyway, do I ever really feel it? And I don't get love either, not that I can see. Perhaps it's all around me, all the time, flashing itself in my direction, but I don't know the code.
God is love, and wants your love, they tell me; and I believe it, because just what choice do I have? Like a series of orderly flashes from a metal flashlight, God is just as abstract and untouchable; I take the leap of faith, and say, against logic, "yes, this is love here, in some way." And I hope that if I spend my days watching those flashes, looking at God's image, saying it's name, contemplating this abstraction, that someday it will become real, and I'll have it, understand it, and be able to give it.
A little too new-agey for 6:30 am? Especially when I have tests to take, and have practical responsibilities to uphold.
And why am I taking Russian again? I truly am masochistic. Or...it's not that I want to suffer...it's just that all the interesting things just happen to be difficult and painful.
It's like the old Yoko Ono song: "Growing Pain...Growing Joy...Growing Pain...Growing Joy," all set with a bluesy flute and watery vibrations behind it. (she's either 68 or 69 years old in that clip, by the way).
Sometimes I can't see the Joy through the Pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm already dead. Is this why I've been feeling such a strong need to be religious lately? Most religions have an afterlife structured in to them. I'm already dead, so now what? Maybe religion will tell me.
And also about love: what Ms. Ono is outlining in her video above seems to me to be one of the most difficult things imaginable. No one wants you to tell them that you love them, and anyway, do I ever really feel it? And I don't get love either, not that I can see. Perhaps it's all around me, all the time, flashing itself in my direction, but I don't know the code.
God is love, and wants your love, they tell me; and I believe it, because just what choice do I have? Like a series of orderly flashes from a metal flashlight, God is just as abstract and untouchable; I take the leap of faith, and say, against logic, "yes, this is love here, in some way." And I hope that if I spend my days watching those flashes, looking at God's image, saying it's name, contemplating this abstraction, that someday it will become real, and I'll have it, understand it, and be able to give it.
A little too new-agey for 6:30 am? Especially when I have tests to take, and have practical responsibilities to uphold.
posted by nearfalse | 2:44 AM
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