Even though I haven't smoked a cigarette since September 05 (about nine months ago), and haven't even be tempted to do so, I still have this feeling, on an almost daily basis, that it's time for a cigarette. After class, or after I accomplish a semi-difficult taks, or am about to begin a project, my fist thought is "time for a cigarette." For a micro-split-second my whole being is in total agreement on this, that it is indeed time, without a shadow of a doubt, to have a cigarette. I can actually see myself going outside and having one, and can feel how my mood would change if I did smoke one.
The funny thing about this is that I don't actually want a cigarette. It's not like I'm fighting myself all the time, saying "No, Sammy, No. Cigarettes Bad! Please Stop!" Another micro-split-second after I get that time-for-a-cigarette feeling, every part of my being recoils into the opposite feeling, like the last thing I would want to do would be to have a cigarette. They're really gross, and while there are nice feelings associated with them, they totally do not out-weigh all the really negative things about smoking. Chewing nicotine gum (which I still do very frequently, and plan on continuing to do for the rest of my life) is not the same, but it is nice, and is certainly preferable to smoking.
The thing is, is that after a mildly stressful experience I feel like I have to do something to restore my peaceful equililbrium, to bring me back to a pleasant plateau. The thing that I used to do most frequently, which was quickest and most effective, was smoking. It's very convenient: instant equilibrium, sitting in my pocket. The instinct to go to that source for pleasure, while not something I want consciously, is still embedded within me. However, my repulsion towards cigarettes is also embedded into me on a subconscious, instinctual level (they're really bad!), and because that side of my subconscious has my conscious mind on it's side, and because the part of me that does want a cigarette is more-or-less placated by the promise of nicotine gum, my desire to not smoke wins out, so far very consistently.
But then the question comes up: what the hell else am I supposed to do? I get this feeling of panicked desperation several times a day, because I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make myself feel balanced. Meditation always makes me feel more imbalanced, not less. Jerking-off or engaging in other sexual activity sort of works too, but there's so many negative consequences associated with that as well. Oh, I know what I should do: I should just listen to some nice music.
The funny thing about this is that I don't actually want a cigarette. It's not like I'm fighting myself all the time, saying "No, Sammy, No. Cigarettes Bad! Please Stop!" Another micro-split-second after I get that time-for-a-cigarette feeling, every part of my being recoils into the opposite feeling, like the last thing I would want to do would be to have a cigarette. They're really gross, and while there are nice feelings associated with them, they totally do not out-weigh all the really negative things about smoking. Chewing nicotine gum (which I still do very frequently, and plan on continuing to do for the rest of my life) is not the same, but it is nice, and is certainly preferable to smoking.
The thing is, is that after a mildly stressful experience I feel like I have to do something to restore my peaceful equililbrium, to bring me back to a pleasant plateau. The thing that I used to do most frequently, which was quickest and most effective, was smoking. It's very convenient: instant equilibrium, sitting in my pocket. The instinct to go to that source for pleasure, while not something I want consciously, is still embedded within me. However, my repulsion towards cigarettes is also embedded into me on a subconscious, instinctual level (they're really bad!), and because that side of my subconscious has my conscious mind on it's side, and because the part of me that does want a cigarette is more-or-less placated by the promise of nicotine gum, my desire to not smoke wins out, so far very consistently.
But then the question comes up: what the hell else am I supposed to do? I get this feeling of panicked desperation several times a day, because I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make myself feel balanced. Meditation always makes me feel more imbalanced, not less. Jerking-off or engaging in other sexual activity sort of works too, but there's so many negative consequences associated with that as well. Oh, I know what I should do: I should just listen to some nice music.
posted by nearfalse | 1:58 PM
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