Yeah, like I said in my last entry, I'm totally not ready for a boyfriend. Take, for example, my good straight friend The Amatuer Musician. I'm totally in love with him. He's totally dorky and boring looking, with his plain sweaters in cheap fabrics, his Target issue blue jeans, and his 1950's businessman haircut. He's skinny, a little misshapen, with sallow skin and big gums. But he's cute as hell (other gay friends of mine have agreed) and so easy to get along with. He's gotten along with everyone I've introduced him to, and seems equally relaxed in most all situations. Plus, he's a socialist, and so very, very ethical about his relations with other people, without getting all preachy and self-righteous about it. For crying out loud, he chose Bjork's "Venus as a Boy" on the Jukebox at Larry's tonight. I'm in love with him, and would die of happiness if he would reveal to me "I'm secretly gay, and I've fallen in love with you."

That is, however, until it actually happened. The second he actually uttered the words I would realize, with great clarity, how completely annoying he is, and how much I would really enjoy just not being around him anymore. All the pleasant, relaxing silences would turn into awkward, oppresive silences. All the pleasant, easy banter would stop, and we'd be left with forced, boring small talk. And I'm just not down with that. I don't want the fun times to stop, to be stymied by a sense of obligation and neediness.

Like, for right now I can fall as in love with him as I want, and run no risk of anything coming from it. I can have my cake and eat it too; have all those pleasurable crushed-out emotions, without any of the risk of actually getting into some weird, stifling relationship. No, we can just enjoy each other, and not worry about it.