I'm afraid to write. I'm afraid of being judged. I have to reaffrim to myself, once again, that I write this blog for my own benefit, not for the pleasure of others. I can't let what other people think of me stop me from doing something that I know is really good for me, i.e. externalizing what's going on inside of me in order to see who I am more clearly.

I've been so tired lately. It's the same old shit that I allways go through: I never get enough sleep, I can't wake up enough to care about what's going on around me. I'm in survival mode, not accomplishment mode. It's almost too much just to do what I'm required to do, let alone go beyond that to do things that are actually interesting and life-affirming to me. Yet I know that if I do take the time to do positive things like blogging and excercising then the day-to-day shit that I gotta do gets done alot easier and effectively.

I think the problem is that everything feels like a test: no matter what I do I'm holding myself up to some ideal. I can't say there's anything wrong with that, except that I'm starting to feel really bad about not living up to that ideal. It's painful.

Also, I'm really disliking people these days. They're so annoying! The problem is the same thing as above: I feel really judged by them, like I'm not living up to some ideal that they got in their heads about what a good person is supposed to be. But in this case I don't even want to live up the ideal: I think their ideas are kinda stupid and arbitrary, and I kinda just want them to fuck off and go impose their worldview on somebody else.