I went out to play pool and sing kareoke with Mark tonight. I sang "Higher Ground" by Stevie Wonder, and "Bennie and the Jets" by Sir Elton John. I drank a little bit, and even though I had a good time, I felt rather alienated by the crowd at the Eagle, which was mostly young, bitchy twinksters. I didn't really think that my aliention was getting to me so much, but later on I was very rude the guy at the fast food joint I went to afterwards, and now I've just sexually acted out, and in a public place no less. To be frank, I masturbated through my clothing in the computer lab, which is where I am now. It's 4 am, so there's only a couple of people, so I could hide what I was doing pretty well; but still, it was wrong.
I went to a website that allows one to do readings with my favorite tarot deck (Morgan's Tarot, perhaps one of most lighthearted tarot decks out there), and asked for specific action I should take in order to help overcome my sexual addiction. It gave me the "Stop" card, which basically just has a picture of a stop sign on it, and which basically means just what it says (there isn't a direct link to the card, but if you go to the site and click on the link that says "The Cards," you should be able to find it in the list). Well, I guess that's good advice, but if I could just stop, then I would have done so long ago, and I wouldn't have to be going through this whole 12-step thing.
Speaking of the 12 steps, I recently wrote out a sexual history for myself, to help me more fully realize the 1st step. The idea is that having the evidence of my sexual compulsivity right in front of me will make my powerless more easy to realize; but, to be honest, I don't really understand. I still feel like I have power over this, and that I should be able to stop just by wanting to stop. I guess just sort of understanding the 1st step is good enough though. What I'm really worried about now is the 2nd step, which seems even more difficult. I have no sense of religion; in fact, I kind of hate everything having to do with religion and spirituality. I'm supposed to meet with my sponser tomarrow to talk about it, but I have absolutely no idea what I'm gonna say. Well, perhaps I'll gain some good insight from him.
I went to a website that allows one to do readings with my favorite tarot deck (Morgan's Tarot, perhaps one of most lighthearted tarot decks out there), and asked for specific action I should take in order to help overcome my sexual addiction. It gave me the "Stop" card, which basically just has a picture of a stop sign on it, and which basically means just what it says (there isn't a direct link to the card, but if you go to the site and click on the link that says "The Cards," you should be able to find it in the list). Well, I guess that's good advice, but if I could just stop, then I would have done so long ago, and I wouldn't have to be going through this whole 12-step thing.
Speaking of the 12 steps, I recently wrote out a sexual history for myself, to help me more fully realize the 1st step. The idea is that having the evidence of my sexual compulsivity right in front of me will make my powerless more easy to realize; but, to be honest, I don't really understand. I still feel like I have power over this, and that I should be able to stop just by wanting to stop. I guess just sort of understanding the 1st step is good enough though. What I'm really worried about now is the 2nd step, which seems even more difficult. I have no sense of religion; in fact, I kind of hate everything having to do with religion and spirituality. I'm supposed to meet with my sponser tomarrow to talk about it, but I have absolutely no idea what I'm gonna say. Well, perhaps I'll gain some good insight from him.
posted by nearfalse | 1:50 AM
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