I am ashamed to admit that I went to the little drugged-out hippy store last night, bought myself a 24 cartridge box of nitrous oxide, and consumed the whole box within four hours. I guess I was feeling sort of insecure, because I had a date the other night (officially a first date, but we had hung out enough already that it seemed more like a second date) and even though it went well, I still felt like a complete psycho. I'm really not mature enough right now to enter into a relationship, and I need to focus more on my sobriety; however, he seems like he's comfortable with just being real casual right now, so hopefully this won't take over my life and change me into a different person like my previous relationships did.

I feel like I'm being really random, and leaving out alot of information that would make this entry more comprehensible to other people. The thing is, is that I don't really know what's going on with me, with him, or with relationships in general, so there isn't really much that I feel comfortable saying. It was the same thing when I was with him, when we were lying in his big white bed together after going out to the bar. He wanted to know if I had a good time, if I liked him, and other such things. I fear I may have offended him, 'cause I said nothing, and he probably took it in a negative way. The truth was that I was feeling very negatively about the whole situation, but that I didn't really trust that feeling, or want to express it; because I know from experience that the idea of getting close to someone and entering into some sort of romantic involvement with someone is really scary to me, and I start to freak out in an uncontrollable way. At the time it feels real, like I really do hate the person, and really do just want to lash out at them. Later on I allways regret it, and wonder why I treated them so badly, when in fact I like them so much (like in my relationship with The Talker, who I treated really horribly the last night he was in town, but who I still talk to every couple of weeks, and who I'm quite fond of). When I had hung out with him (I guess I'll call him The Social Worker) the first time, about a week before my date with him, I really liked him alot, was quite attracted to him, and really looked forward to getting closer to him. Then, when I got my chance, and we were actually together again, I spent the whole time being defensive and angry. It was crazy, and I knew that, so I kept my mouth shut. Hopefully next time will be better.