I was talking to my sister today, the one in Portland, Oregon. She's pregnant, about four months along now, and from the sound of it she's really enjoying the experience. Her man, who I haven't met yet, seems really stable, loving, and giving. He already has a five year old daughter, and she and my sister really love each other. It reminds me of the situation that my other sister, down in New Orleans, found herself in. Her husband had three kids when she met him, and she really loves them all. He too is very stable and loving.
I'm very happy for them both. They've gotten their life partners, and are building their families up now. I'm really happy for them.
But I'm not too happy for myself. It seems so natural that they would find their husbands and settle down to engage in domestic life. But not for me: it seems unlikely that I'll ever find someone that I really love, who will really love me back and want to settle down with me. The people I always attract are either insane or way older than me. I don't care that lots of other gay guys get involved in relationships with guys that are a lot older than them; I don't want to do that. I would be really embarrassed introducing a guy to my family who's closer in age to my mom than to me. I want to find a nice guy, who my family will like and get along with. I don't want to alienate myself from my family by choosing someone who I can't bring around without making things uncomfortable for everyone.
And to have children: that's definitely never going to happen to me. Because I don't want to adopt, and I don't want to do the whole surrogate mother thing. I want to meet someone, be in love with that person, and then create a child using both of our genetic material, and then raise that child together. I want to build a family. But that's not going to happen, because I'm gay. I've thought about pretending to be straight, because I can fall in love with a woman on a purely emotional and psychological level, but that really doesn't seem right to me. I'd always be regretting the sacrifice of real love that I made. I wouldn't be happy, and neither would she ( if she was happy knowing that I was feeling stunted and oppressed by my fake straight relationship then she wouldn't be any kind of woman that I could fall in love with on any level).
I don't know....I just wish I could do things a little bit more normally and harmoniously.
The kind of guy that I feel would get along with my family is, unfortunately, not easily found in the gay community. Quite honestly, almost every gay guy I've met has been obsessed with money, or their image, or their career, all of which are extremely boring to me. I want to find a guy who's main concern is just with happiness and togetherness. Who just wants a peaceful life. Who doesn't feel like he has to compete with people to have the fanciest house, or the nicest car. Who's main concern is not whether people are looking up to him, or whether he looks right, but whether or not he's doing what is actually worth doing (and, by the way, spending one's life worrying about the trivialities of money is totally not worth doing. I mean, when you're laying on your death bed, are you gonna think fondly about all the time you spent at work? Or of all the money and things you managed to accumulate? Unless your job has some sort of deeper meaning, then probably not. What's most likely to happen to a lot of these gay guys out there is that they'll realize that their lives were meaningless. That they had no real happiness, only material things).
I come from a poor family, that's actually proud of being poor. My parents were both people who ignored the material side of life in order to focus on finding deeper meaning to their existence and growing as individuals. And while I do think that they took it a little too far, it seems like everyone else I meet is taking it too far in the opposite direction. If I get involved with someone who spends all his time working, and trying to get more money, and trying to improve his status...well....I'd be ashamed of myself. And I'd be ashamed to introduce that guy to my family.
I'm very happy for them both. They've gotten their life partners, and are building their families up now. I'm really happy for them.
But I'm not too happy for myself. It seems so natural that they would find their husbands and settle down to engage in domestic life. But not for me: it seems unlikely that I'll ever find someone that I really love, who will really love me back and want to settle down with me. The people I always attract are either insane or way older than me. I don't care that lots of other gay guys get involved in relationships with guys that are a lot older than them; I don't want to do that. I would be really embarrassed introducing a guy to my family who's closer in age to my mom than to me. I want to find a nice guy, who my family will like and get along with. I don't want to alienate myself from my family by choosing someone who I can't bring around without making things uncomfortable for everyone.
And to have children: that's definitely never going to happen to me. Because I don't want to adopt, and I don't want to do the whole surrogate mother thing. I want to meet someone, be in love with that person, and then create a child using both of our genetic material, and then raise that child together. I want to build a family. But that's not going to happen, because I'm gay. I've thought about pretending to be straight, because I can fall in love with a woman on a purely emotional and psychological level, but that really doesn't seem right to me. I'd always be regretting the sacrifice of real love that I made. I wouldn't be happy, and neither would she ( if she was happy knowing that I was feeling stunted and oppressed by my fake straight relationship then she wouldn't be any kind of woman that I could fall in love with on any level).
I don't know....I just wish I could do things a little bit more normally and harmoniously.
The kind of guy that I feel would get along with my family is, unfortunately, not easily found in the gay community. Quite honestly, almost every gay guy I've met has been obsessed with money, or their image, or their career, all of which are extremely boring to me. I want to find a guy who's main concern is just with happiness and togetherness. Who just wants a peaceful life. Who doesn't feel like he has to compete with people to have the fanciest house, or the nicest car. Who's main concern is not whether people are looking up to him, or whether he looks right, but whether or not he's doing what is actually worth doing (and, by the way, spending one's life worrying about the trivialities of money is totally not worth doing. I mean, when you're laying on your death bed, are you gonna think fondly about all the time you spent at work? Or of all the money and things you managed to accumulate? Unless your job has some sort of deeper meaning, then probably not. What's most likely to happen to a lot of these gay guys out there is that they'll realize that their lives were meaningless. That they had no real happiness, only material things).
I come from a poor family, that's actually proud of being poor. My parents were both people who ignored the material side of life in order to focus on finding deeper meaning to their existence and growing as individuals. And while I do think that they took it a little too far, it seems like everyone else I meet is taking it too far in the opposite direction. If I get involved with someone who spends all his time working, and trying to get more money, and trying to improve his status...well....I'd be ashamed of myself. And I'd be ashamed to introduce that guy to my family.
posted by nearfalse | 11:51 PM
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