A Slip, Not A Relapse
I am very angry at myself right now. I was feeling rather horny earlier, having had extended small-talk with an attractive acquantance this afternoon, and was going to mastrabate. My room was too hot, however, and I needed to leave to do a variety of other things, so I said "I'll just find a restroom and mastrabate in between other activities." I figured that I would go to one of the restrooms that are slightly cruisy, and if anyone showed up, then I could look at them as though they were pornography, but not get touchy feely, or do anything unsafe.
Well, of course it took all of 15 minutes for me to get down on my knees, with someone's potentially disease-ridden cock in my mouth. It was someone that I knew, and he's not really the type to let anyone put anything into his mouth or his ass (he's too neurotic and controling for that), so the chances of him having some STD are less than alot of the other guys that do this type of thing, but that doesn't actually matter. Perhaps he's just controling and nuerotic when he's doing the restroom thing, and in other situations he's very open to the idea of being fucked or of sucking someone off. And certainly one can get a disease from being sucked; less likely, but still possible.
And I was trying to rationalize it by saying "I'm just going to watch, not touch. I won't do anything unsafe." Yeah right. I was doing pretty good, until he was like "suck it," and I felt like I just couldn't say no, 'cause that would have changed the vibe to be decidedly much less sexier, and it would have become much more difficult for both me and him to get off, and it would have become very awkward. As it was, it was very exciting, we both got off quick, and we both left satisfied. It was ideal.
I really enjoyed it. What I don't enjoy is the idea that I might have gotten a disease. I've been feeling unusually confident and social lately, so I don't think that I did this out of some sort of social insecurity; but the fact that I couldn't say no to him, even though I knew it was a bad idea, really does seem like a sign that there were some sort of neuorotic social insecurities behind this.
It's so easy to forget that I'm a sex addict sometimes, and that I need to be much more careful about my sexual behavior than other people do. Like, just wanting to watch someone can definitely be a part of a healthy, balanced life. For me, though, just wanting to watch someone almost always leads to something dangerous and neurotic, something that damages my self-esteem, and causes bigger problems too. I feel like an alcoholic, who sees everyone else drinking and enjoying themselves, and not having it ruin their lives the way it did his, and wondering "why? why can't I just be normal? why does this have to be such a big deal?"
Well, of course it took all of 15 minutes for me to get down on my knees, with someone's potentially disease-ridden cock in my mouth. It was someone that I knew, and he's not really the type to let anyone put anything into his mouth or his ass (he's too neurotic and controling for that), so the chances of him having some STD are less than alot of the other guys that do this type of thing, but that doesn't actually matter. Perhaps he's just controling and nuerotic when he's doing the restroom thing, and in other situations he's very open to the idea of being fucked or of sucking someone off. And certainly one can get a disease from being sucked; less likely, but still possible.
And I was trying to rationalize it by saying "I'm just going to watch, not touch. I won't do anything unsafe." Yeah right. I was doing pretty good, until he was like "suck it," and I felt like I just couldn't say no, 'cause that would have changed the vibe to be decidedly much less sexier, and it would have become much more difficult for both me and him to get off, and it would have become very awkward. As it was, it was very exciting, we both got off quick, and we both left satisfied. It was ideal.
I really enjoyed it. What I don't enjoy is the idea that I might have gotten a disease. I've been feeling unusually confident and social lately, so I don't think that I did this out of some sort of social insecurity; but the fact that I couldn't say no to him, even though I knew it was a bad idea, really does seem like a sign that there were some sort of neuorotic social insecurities behind this.
It's so easy to forget that I'm a sex addict sometimes, and that I need to be much more careful about my sexual behavior than other people do. Like, just wanting to watch someone can definitely be a part of a healthy, balanced life. For me, though, just wanting to watch someone almost always leads to something dangerous and neurotic, something that damages my self-esteem, and causes bigger problems too. I feel like an alcoholic, who sees everyone else drinking and enjoying themselves, and not having it ruin their lives the way it did his, and wondering "why? why can't I just be normal? why does this have to be such a big deal?"
posted by nearfalse | 3:46 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home