The Talker

Yesterday I had The Talker (from two entries ago) over to my room. We cuddled during the rainstorm, listened to English folksongs from the 1700's and 1800's, and shared more affection than sex. It was pretty nice. Yet it was slightly off-kilter as well: it was clear that he had a very defined fantasy ideal of what it means to enjoy someone else's company in this way, and how I should be feeling and reacting to him. My realistic, down-to-earth perspective on what we were doing didn't sit with him so well: he didn't like to be reminded that our affection was based on knowing each other for two days, and thus did not actually reflect how we would feel about each other once we actually came to know each other well (not to say we wouldn't still have affection for one-another; it would just be different). He accused me of not letting go and having fun, which I found bewildering, seeing as I was really enjoying myself.

He slept over. I told him before hand that I would probably move to the floor at some point, because my bed is really small, and really is not sleepable with more than one person in it (or at least not for me; The Talker fell asleep within minutes). So I did so: when I wanted to get to sleep I moved to the floor.

At about 5 am he wakes up, and I'm sleeping lightly so I wake up too. He sits on the edge of the bed for about 10 minutes. So I'm like "what's up?" and he's like "I think I better go," but so cold, and almost accusatory. This both annoyed and worried me, 'cause it seemed really out-of-place and inappropriate, and I was worried that he was feeling distressed, but also annoyed that he was pushing his neurotic bullshit on to me. So I said "Well, it's really early, and you haven't gotten much sleep. If I were you I would stay. But, I guess you have your reasons." I didn't do any more than that, because for someone who was being rational, that statement would have been sufficient to let them know that I wanted them to stay. If he wasn't being rational, then I was just not in the mood to deal with him.

Well he started to get his clothes on. When he got his shoes on, I got up off the floor, so I could give him a hug and a kiss goodbye, then walk him down to the front door. I said to him "I'll walk you to the front door", and he was like "that won't be necessary" and then he left very quickly without saying goodbye.

I laid down in the bed to get some sleep. When I did, I dreamed that I was traveling, over and over again, back and forth from Minneapolis and Columbus. It was fun at first, but after awhile it started to get very tedious and stressful. I was traveling, like, every three days! And things were starting to go wrong: I had to ride all these conveyor belts to get on my last plane, and they were getting smaller and smaller, more rickety, with less safety measures. The openings to get from one area to another where ones I could barely get through. The mechanisms that were in place to grab me and put me on the plane were malfunctioning. Instead, I kept being put up on higher, more rickety platforms, with less places to grab on, and more potential for falling and dying. I ended up in the cock-pit somehow, but that seemed like the wrong place for me, so I went back out on the narrow, broken up platform.

I was so scared. I thought "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to travel, I don't want to be up here. I JUST WANT MY FEET BACK ON THE GROUND."

And then I woke up.

I'm really enjoying being single right now. I'm really not interested in the drama that it takes to get involved with someone. I don't want to be all emotionally involved with someone, with everything I feel and say being under the microscope. It was fun in the past, and I bet it will be fun enough at some point in the future, but for right now I just want to live a stable life, with a few good friends, a few more acquantances, and very little obligation to anyone else. I'm just not in the mood for anymore bullshit.