Skrargh......
"We have to become willing to tolerate the discomfort of a frustrated impulse"
-Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
This probably won’t make sense to anyone but me, but here goes. I just realized…I was thinking before that…well, not long ago, I made a very sincere and focused attempt to limit the type and frequency of sex that I was having, and it worked for about 3 months. Then, one day, I saw this guy…like…the perfect guy. And he was cruising me, at the public restroom in the building I work at. And I said to myself “I’m not doing this anymore. It’s time to stop.” But he was soooo good looking, like, the type of guy you never see cruising around restrooms. It was easy to not do it when I didn’t even like the guys that were out there, but this guy was different.
Anyway, he’s the guy that I was talking about in thelast entry. Really, I’ve become obsessed with him. I think about him constantly. It’s driving me nuts.
I don’t know how to put what I’m thinking into words here.
I was thinking about this guy, and I was acting like…like it was because of him that I started cruising a lot again. Like, I’ve been cruising pretty regularly lately, and I was thinking to myself “I was fine before I met that guy. The reason I’m cruising is because I really want him, but he’s not available, so I’m doing this as a second best option.” And, honestly, I’m not enjoying cruising at all. But the point is that I was acting as though what I was doing and thinking about this guy was all healthy and normal, and that it was just the cruising that was unfortunate. But now I realize that my obsession with this guy is just one part of my whole obsessive-compulsive attitudes towards sex. Like, my way of reacting to this guy is not just because I really like him or something (though he does seem really nice…but I actually barely know him at all!), it’s just a symptom of some deeper problem.
I need to take care of myself first. I need to change my attitudes about sex and relationships before I start trying to have sex and relationships again. If this guy is really the type of person that will be fine hanging out with me for who I am, not just because we might get to mess around, then my…hesitation will not really matter. But if that’s not the case, and all he really wants from me is sex, then he’s just going to have to live with….BAH….I don’t’ even know what I’m saying…In reality I’d probably do whatever he told me to. Fuck it all.
-Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
This probably won’t make sense to anyone but me, but here goes. I just realized…I was thinking before that…well, not long ago, I made a very sincere and focused attempt to limit the type and frequency of sex that I was having, and it worked for about 3 months. Then, one day, I saw this guy…like…the perfect guy. And he was cruising me, at the public restroom in the building I work at. And I said to myself “I’m not doing this anymore. It’s time to stop.” But he was soooo good looking, like, the type of guy you never see cruising around restrooms. It was easy to not do it when I didn’t even like the guys that were out there, but this guy was different.
Anyway, he’s the guy that I was talking about in thelast entry. Really, I’ve become obsessed with him. I think about him constantly. It’s driving me nuts.
I don’t know how to put what I’m thinking into words here.
I was thinking about this guy, and I was acting like…like it was because of him that I started cruising a lot again. Like, I’ve been cruising pretty regularly lately, and I was thinking to myself “I was fine before I met that guy. The reason I’m cruising is because I really want him, but he’s not available, so I’m doing this as a second best option.” And, honestly, I’m not enjoying cruising at all. But the point is that I was acting as though what I was doing and thinking about this guy was all healthy and normal, and that it was just the cruising that was unfortunate. But now I realize that my obsession with this guy is just one part of my whole obsessive-compulsive attitudes towards sex. Like, my way of reacting to this guy is not just because I really like him or something (though he does seem really nice…but I actually barely know him at all!), it’s just a symptom of some deeper problem.
I need to take care of myself first. I need to change my attitudes about sex and relationships before I start trying to have sex and relationships again. If this guy is really the type of person that will be fine hanging out with me for who I am, not just because we might get to mess around, then my…hesitation will not really matter. But if that’s not the case, and all he really wants from me is sex, then he’s just going to have to live with….BAH….I don’t’ even know what I’m saying…In reality I’d probably do whatever he told me to. Fuck it all.
posted by nearfalse | 1:26 PM
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