I'm about to go to a job interview. I am confident that I will get the job. I am less confident that I will be any good at it.

I'm very frustrated. Why can I only get-off if I feel as though I'm being abused, or dominated. Or like if the guy doesn't really want me or like me. I need to feel used. On the other hand, If I feel as though i'm just completely using someone else, then I can get off that way too. Anything but real affection and equality.

The reason I'm talking about this is because I met a man that I really like, and unlike with Dolphin (see previous entries), it seems like something that will actually become reality, as opposed to just a dream. When I first saw him, when he was still just a stranger, I was so turned on...it was really heavy. Now...I've met him and talked to him, and he's really nice. I can't imagine trying to dominate him. And he doesn't really seem like the type to try and dominate me. He's very respectfull. I feel very strong emotions for him, partially because he obviously does have respect for me. But even though I can see objectively that physically he is really what turns me on, the power struggle isn't there, and I'm not so turned on by him anymore. I feel really sad about this. My little power struggle fetish is messing up my chance to have some fun sex with a attractive guy that I actually like as a person too.

This actually reminds me of one of my ex-boyfriends, the Suburban Pot-Head. I had the same problem with him. But I found that if I just didn't fantasize or masturbate very often, then I wouldn't need the power struggle; being with him as he was, was just fine, and was actually alot funner than the aggresive, psychologically abusive sex I would have with others. The problem...I would get so weird and needy about sex with him, and if he wouldn't have sex with me when I wanted it I would get really angry. I depend on the pure biological pleasure of sex to keep myself feeling good. I'm addicted to the endorphins, or whatever. The orgasmic pleasure is the goal, and I'm addicted to it in the same way i'm addicted to cigarettes (see yesterday's entry), so I need it all the time. I can restrict myself to only having it every other day, but only if I KNOW that i'll be able to have it. If not...well, i get a little obsessive, and start jerking off two, three, or more times a day.

But i've decided; i'm going to not masturbate or fantasize untill I get to have this guy at least once. I think the pleasure of natural, non-fetishized sex, even if only once, with this beautifull man, will be worth the restriction that I'm placing on myself now.