Not-Dave
As usual, i'm totally losing my mind. This time is a little worse than usual though. Have I told you that I often have paranoid delusions about conspiracies of psychic...revolutionaries or something coming after me? Like, i'm positive that they want me to join their insidious clique, but I resist them with all my might. I guess right now I'm having one of those moments when I feel that presure more acutely than usual.
Perhaps this helps explain my distrust of groups (religious, social, political, whatever). Either this paranoid fantasy is a result of my distrust of groups, or my distrust of groups is a result of this fantasy.
I truly do live my life almost entirely in a fantasy world. Usually I'm aware that it's a fantasy, but that doesn't make it any easier to turn around and face reality.
Oh, by the way, I met a nice guy last night. Let's call him Not-Dave, because his name in not Dave, no matter how much I think it should be. We had a short conversation, and then he came to my room, and we messed around for a little while. It was nice. When he left I was really proud of myself, because I didn't ask for his number, I didn't get all weird and clingy, and I didn't try to make it anything more than it really is (which was just a one night stand type of thing....though somehow that phrase doesn't seem so positive...maybe I could call it "a night of singular passion", which makes it's fleeting nature seem like a wistfull and beautifull thing). So me and Not-Dave had a singular night of passion, and I left it at that, going to bed with the contented notion that I would forget all about him, and go on with my life.
Well, no such luck. As this day is progressing, I'm thinking about him more and more. I don't even know why, really. He seemed nice, but not like perfect or anything. He really reminds me of an old biology teacher I used to have, who always seemed to me to be this really great guy that I could never have, because he was just the epitome of "straight". (And just what is the epitome of straight? Emotions kept very carefully out of sight, focus on the physical world above all else, and lots of blue and grey clothing).
Well, here's the REAL reason that I'm getting so obsessed with him: a few months back I had this dream about this guy who lived in a big expensive high-rise apartment. He wasn't all rich and snotty, but he had a bit of money, mostly from working hard. I went to go stay with him. He seemed really straight, but he would have sex with me, and he kept me around for that purpose. Well, Not-Dave, while not rich, seems quite comfortable financially, at least compared to me, and he owns a condo in a high-rise in downtown Columbus. Also, he has what I consider to be a pretty straight vibe, like, not that weird fakey type of straight vibe that you see alot of men (both gay and straight) adopt, but just that cold distantness that I get from certain guys, which just allways seems to scream "straight". And as far as sex is concerned, he was almost 100% top. He wanted to fuck me, but I only let guys that I've known for awhile and whom I'm real comfortable with fuck me. Instead, he just talked really dirty about fucking me and making me do things, like, fucking me 'till I'm sore, making me suck his dick, and then fucking me again. It was exactly the type of thing that I fantsize about repressed "straight" guys doing to me, using me as a sex object, without regard for my own pleasure. Of course, Not Dave actually did seem quite concerned about my pleasure, but It was both of our pleasure's to pretend that he was just gonna use me.
So he's just like the guy in my dream, the one who I really wanted, but knew I could never get. And here's the really annoying part: I can't remember what the guy in my dream looked like, but I can't shake the feeling that he looked JUST LIKE NOT-DAVE. I want to believe that he actually looked completely different, because then I would be free from this neurotic fantasy, and could go on with my life. On the other hand, I really want to believe that it WAS Not-Dave in my dream, 'cause then I could believe that we are "destined" to be together, and then I could let myself go, into a whole dream-world of me and Not-Dave, living in our high-rise apartment, having dirty, ego-destroying sex.
Sigh....
I hope I don't see him again for a long time.
Perhaps this helps explain my distrust of groups (religious, social, political, whatever). Either this paranoid fantasy is a result of my distrust of groups, or my distrust of groups is a result of this fantasy.
I truly do live my life almost entirely in a fantasy world. Usually I'm aware that it's a fantasy, but that doesn't make it any easier to turn around and face reality.
Oh, by the way, I met a nice guy last night. Let's call him Not-Dave, because his name in not Dave, no matter how much I think it should be. We had a short conversation, and then he came to my room, and we messed around for a little while. It was nice. When he left I was really proud of myself, because I didn't ask for his number, I didn't get all weird and clingy, and I didn't try to make it anything more than it really is (which was just a one night stand type of thing....though somehow that phrase doesn't seem so positive...maybe I could call it "a night of singular passion", which makes it's fleeting nature seem like a wistfull and beautifull thing). So me and Not-Dave had a singular night of passion, and I left it at that, going to bed with the contented notion that I would forget all about him, and go on with my life.
Well, no such luck. As this day is progressing, I'm thinking about him more and more. I don't even know why, really. He seemed nice, but not like perfect or anything. He really reminds me of an old biology teacher I used to have, who always seemed to me to be this really great guy that I could never have, because he was just the epitome of "straight". (And just what is the epitome of straight? Emotions kept very carefully out of sight, focus on the physical world above all else, and lots of blue and grey clothing).
Well, here's the REAL reason that I'm getting so obsessed with him: a few months back I had this dream about this guy who lived in a big expensive high-rise apartment. He wasn't all rich and snotty, but he had a bit of money, mostly from working hard. I went to go stay with him. He seemed really straight, but he would have sex with me, and he kept me around for that purpose. Well, Not-Dave, while not rich, seems quite comfortable financially, at least compared to me, and he owns a condo in a high-rise in downtown Columbus. Also, he has what I consider to be a pretty straight vibe, like, not that weird fakey type of straight vibe that you see alot of men (both gay and straight) adopt, but just that cold distantness that I get from certain guys, which just allways seems to scream "straight". And as far as sex is concerned, he was almost 100% top. He wanted to fuck me, but I only let guys that I've known for awhile and whom I'm real comfortable with fuck me. Instead, he just talked really dirty about fucking me and making me do things, like, fucking me 'till I'm sore, making me suck his dick, and then fucking me again. It was exactly the type of thing that I fantsize about repressed "straight" guys doing to me, using me as a sex object, without regard for my own pleasure. Of course, Not Dave actually did seem quite concerned about my pleasure, but It was both of our pleasure's to pretend that he was just gonna use me.
So he's just like the guy in my dream, the one who I really wanted, but knew I could never get. And here's the really annoying part: I can't remember what the guy in my dream looked like, but I can't shake the feeling that he looked JUST LIKE NOT-DAVE. I want to believe that he actually looked completely different, because then I would be free from this neurotic fantasy, and could go on with my life. On the other hand, I really want to believe that it WAS Not-Dave in my dream, 'cause then I could believe that we are "destined" to be together, and then I could let myself go, into a whole dream-world of me and Not-Dave, living in our high-rise apartment, having dirty, ego-destroying sex.
Sigh....
I hope I don't see him again for a long time.
posted by nearfalse | 4:11 PM
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