I talked to The Talker for awhile on the phone today, and then I hung out with The Dolphin for awhile in my room. These are both people to whom I have assured that I want only friendship, explicitly to The Talker, and implicitly to The Dolphin. Yet my interactions with both of them took a sexual direction. It didn't get very overt with either of them, but the sexual tension was there. With The Talker is was just a little bit of talk about sex, which could have been totally innocent, if I hadn't mentioned to him that I was masturbating while talking to him, which seemed to excite him, though he didn't try to pursue that line of conversation. With The Dolphin it was just cuddling, which could have been taken as purely platonic, if it weren't for that fact that I was rubbing my hard-on against his thigh a little bit.

I went to my SAA (sex addicts anonymous) meeting today. One of the guys was talking about how he had an ex-lover of his (a female) do some professional work for him recently, like some secretarial stuff. He was real proud of himself for not coming on to her, but when she wrote him a polite e-mail saying that he should "keep in touch," he couldn't help but mention that he had had a really difficult time keeping his hands off of her. Her reply to this was "that's what I meant by 'keep in touch'."

So there it was. A moment of weakness, and the damage had been done. He's in a long-term relationship with someone else now, and he can't be fooling around with ex-lovers. He knew that, but knowing that didn't matter. In a moment of sexually induced amnesia, he forgot about everything he really needed and wanted. The only thing that this will lead to, for him, is either more acting-out, or a messey disentanglement from the temptation that he created for himself. No good.

It reminds me of my Pseudo-Friend (who used to be my Pseudo-Lover), who still comes over for a visit every couple of weeks. When he comes over, we both know that we don't want to have sex, but that we're definitely going to. Why do we do it, when we know we don't want it? There's always something that one of us says, or one of us does, that the other one can't say no to. For me it's usually a physical action, like, I'll touch on his shoulder a lot, real friendly like. I do that with my other friends as well, but I know that he can't resist me when I do that, so it has a different overtone. He can't show affection without having sex, so if he starts to feel affectionate towards me, he's automatically going to push us to get into a sexual situation. He'll always react by doing something weird and manipulative. For instance, one time he repeated the number 'six' over and over again, like he was trying to remember a phone number, only he made it sound a whole hell of a lot like 'sex', and he was staring at my crotch the whole time. Now that's pretty juvenile, and really manipulative (even if it was obvious what he was doing); but it's exactly that kind of thing that leaves me feeling powerless under his advances. He's an immature, petty pissant of a non-man using childish, tactless was to try and manipulate me, and for some reason that works. Like, it turns me on that I'm being manipulated by some neurotic loser, especailly if I'm fully aware that it's going on.

Sigh...I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. I mean, I enjoyed what I did today, very much so. But I feel like I'm causing myself unwanted problems further on down the road. I'm keeping myself trapped in the same scenario, replaying over and over again. It's livened up by the presence of new characters, but it's holding me back just the same. I'm enjoying it, but I have a feeling that there may be something that I would enjoy a whole hell of a lot more, further on down the road